A marriage should add to your life, not consume it. We need to have more honest conversations about marriage.
For many years, society has placed so much emphasis on how long a marriage lasts that we sometimes forget to ask a more important question, What is happening inside that marriage? A marriage can last for decades and still be filled with pain.
I remember a woman who lived in the same neighbourhood as us. From the outside, she and her husband looked like the kind of couple people admired. Whenever you saw them together in public, they looked happy and deeply connected. You could easily find yourself thinking, "I hope my marriage turns out like theirs."
Then, one day, I witnessed something that completely changed the way I saw their relationship.
I saw how her husband treated and physically abused her, and I remember asking myself, "Is this really marriage, or has it become slavery?"
What struck me even more same woman who looked so happy in public was experiencing such pain in private.
That experience taught me something I have never forgotten, you cannot always measure the health of a marriage by what you see from the outside.
There are people carrying enormous pain behind carefully curated photographs. People who cry privately and smile publicly. People who have become experts at saying, "We are fine," when they are anything but fine.
This is why I believe we need to be careful about glorifying longevity without asking about the quality of those years.
Someone can celebrate 20 or 30 years of marriage while privately living with fear, loneliness, constant betrayal, emotional abandonment, financial control, manipulation or physical abuse.
Longevity is valuable when those years are filled with friendship, respect, safety, affection, growth, companionship and genuine partnership. A long and healthy marriage is certainly something worth celebrating.
But simply remaining in a marriage for many years should not automatically be treated as an achievement if the person has had to lose themselves completely in the process.
Sometimes, people stay because they are afraid of what others will say.
"What will people think? What about the children? How can you leave after all these years? You have already invested so much.
These questions can be powerful enough to keep someone trapped in a situation that is slowly destroying them. And yes, marriage is important, family is important, commitment is important.
But your life matters too.
Marriage is one part of your life, it should not become the entire definition of your existence. You were a person before you became someone's spouse, and your identity, dignity, safety and emotional wellbeing should not disappear because you got married.
This doesn't mean every difficult season in marriage is a reason to leave. Relationships have disagreements, disappointments and difficult seasons that may require patience, communication, forgiveness, boundaries and professional support.
Some marriages can be rebuilt when both people are willing to confront the problems and do the necessary work. But when a relationship has become deeply unhealthy, pretending everything is fine does not make it better.
And where there is abuse, especially physical abuse, people should not be encouraged to endure it simply because they are married.
We should also stop assuming that every smiling couple is a happy couple. There are people who have mastered the art of looking okay. They dress up, they attend events together, they take pictures, they laugh when people are watching.
Then they return home to a reality nobody sees, this is not an argument against marriage.
There are beautiful marriages. There are couples who genuinely enjoy one another, support each other, grow together and find deep companionship in their relationship. Marriage can be an incredible blessing.
But we must also be honest enough to acknowledge that not every marriage looks like that.
In marriage, If you are struggling, please don't suffer simply because you are afraid of people's opinions. Talk to someone trustworthy. Seek professional help, build a safe support system. If you are experiencing abuse, prioritize your safety and seek appropriate help.
You don't have to pretend that everything is okay just to protect an image. A marriage is worth nurturing when there is love, respect, safety and a willingness to grow. But your wellbeing should never become the price you pay for maintaining appearances.
Sometimes, the most courageous thing a person can do is admit, "I am not okay," and ask for help. Don't just suffer in silence and know that you are not alone.
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