It's time to stop.
I've been smoking cigarettes since 2013. Since then, I shared memories with smoking through good and bad. I started when one of my friends offered me a stick of cigarette so I could keep myself awake. Since I study in one of the premier universities in the Philippines, I had to study very hard. I am an average student but the university required me to push myself to my limits. Studying in UP is hard enough but studying veterinary medicine makes it much harder. Smoking has helped me grind through sleepless nights. I was never a fan of energy drinks but smoking made me survive exam nights.
Not only does smoking help in my academics but it also helps calming me down. I've gone through countless problems in my life yet smoking has always been there for me. Besides problems, smoking was also there during my victories. By then, I knew that smoking will be my lifelong friend (until now).
When I talk about smoking, I am referring to all nicotine based products that I used. Cigarettes, vapes, cigars, and pipes are some of these media. I explored the other media for nicotine so I could quit cigarettes but I failed. I know myself enough to say that I am not dependent on nicotine. What I am dependent on is the feeling of having smoke or vapor pass through my lungs. Most people call it the "throat hit" but it's somehow different since I want the feeling in my lungs, not my throat.
I tried multiple times already to quit smoking and I have obviously failed. Back then, whenever I'm on a break here in my parents' house, I didn't smoke as they would kill me if they found out. Recently, they found out that I was smoking and I received the scolding of my life. Now that they know, I smoke even in my parents' house.
There have been a lot of events which led me to this point. This point where I need to stop totally (or for just a long time). I am currently on leave from my school since I am recovering from my anxiety disorder and I'll be returning to school on August. The problem when I'm on a break is that I don't have any allowance money. No money means I can't buy any nicotine products. I could ask my parents for money but since I live in a very conservative country, my parents wouldn't even consider giving me money for vices. Another contributing factor on why I'm quitting is my anxiety disorder. Apparently, nicotine interferes with my medication and it also worsens the symptoms of anxiety. You might say, "Why don't you use nicotine-free vapes?" Again, I don't have any money and my parents are very conservative.
This is my dilemma: I need to quit but I'm also dependent on smoking, when I don't smoke I get anxiety attacks. Isn't life funny? The only thing making me sane is also making me insane. That's all for now, wish me luck!
