I haven't written a post in quite a while. I haven't wanted to because I have been feeling conflicted about Steem, the platform, the people and the direction of the block-chain. Mostly I've been feeling conflicted within myself.
It was my one year Steemit birthday a week back, and I just couldn't work up any enthusiasm or positive energy to post what people might expect. Steemit isn't going how I wanted it to. I tried as best I could to make it work the way others do, but I feel like I failed in many ways. However I know giving up now would mean I've wasted a year of my life and thumbed my nose at my values.
My family has a history of various forms of mental "aberration", is what I prefer to call it. A split from the norm, yet in the scheme of things, not so very different from many families. I've suffered from low grade depression my whole life, like my father before me. It never really phased me because I thought it normal and despised the pathway of shrinks and narcotics to make me feel "normal". They never did, rather, they made me feel soul-less, degenerate and incomplete.
Recently the low grade became very serious full on depression, and I'm battling it as best I can. It isn't my natural state to be outgoing or easy going. I get too attached to people and expectations. I am very upfront with my feelings and opinions, which makes others uncomfortable.
I know some of the people I talk to can relate. Sometimes when you give what you have and people just don't seem to appreciate what you bring, it's difficult to know how to let go. I'm a helper. And now I'm not. It's a big loss of identity.
So now I'm not trying anymore. I am just gonna do whatever I feel like doing. Or I will be ok doing nothing. If someone likes it, thats good. If you don't, you all can fuck off and die. (just kidding), but hey if you don't like it, tell me why ffs, without insulting me or ramming it down my throat.
I don't always like what other people do, but sometimes I leave a comment anyway, just to show my support. And that's really what I need right now. People who like me enough to say they care, even if they don't like what I do, where I'm at or where I'm going.
Even though there are people on Steem who don't like me, I believe we share a lot of the same core values, which makes it difficult to write them off and walk away. I still believe in the mission, even though right now circumstances make it a bit onerous to be present when there are so many challenges. For my part, I can only do the best I can. And for every person that doesn't like me, I hope there are a few who do.
Peace to all, and I hope you enjoy my photos.