Hi, my dear friends!
Summing up this week, I must admit that it was not the happiest week of my life. It makes no sense to list all the events. Suffice it to say that PTSD caught up with me. I knew that sooner or later this would happen, but I stubbornly pushed this thought away from myself. The meanness of PTSD is that it continues to live in you and you don’t notice it. And then some event occurs that triggers the process, and all the protection that the psyche has built for so long and carefully collapses in an instant and you yourself crumble like a house of cards, crushed by the memory of past traumatic events.
In my case it was a dream. Just a bad dream. I dreamed that we were again threatened with occupation. The dream was very realistic and this realism was worse than reality itself.
Do you know what is the worst thing about war? Or a natural disaster? I know now. This is a complete loss of all control over the situation. You will say, OK, you must admit that in ordinary life, control over the situation is often an illusion. Yes, it is quite possible, but here you are deprived of even the illusion.
Need I say that I woke up in a terrible state? I was constantly having panic attacks. My mind knew it was just a dream, but my limbic system screamed in horror. I felt like a person who watches fiery volcanic lava flow in his direction and has no place to run.
I'm trying to somehow pull myself together. But now even walking the dogs in the forest doesn’t help me much. From time to time my heart goes into tachycardia and there is a lump in my throat. Terrible feeling. Now the doctor has prescribed medications and I hope they will help. Psychotherapy would probably be a good option too, but I don't have that option.
I don't usually like to complain about problems, but a fact is a fact. I hope that next week will be more successful, especially since there is every reason for this. Gradually, step by step, we are approaching the so-called golden autumn. This means that we will have several weeks of bright colors, pleasant autumn warmth and, of course, my birthday)))
