Some months back I was robbed, and the painful thing about this is that it happened very close to my house. A lot of people suspected that I was being targeted, but however the case may be, it has happened and there is nothing I can do about it. However, that event is still fresh in my memory like it was yesterday. I have always known about PTSD, but this recent experience has made me see another part of PTSD I never knew existed. Nowadays I walk with my eyes at my back, I am usually a careful worker, but this time it is different, when I walk it is in fear, Sometimes I feel like running even when walking, sometimes I feel like people are following me even when my brain tells me I’m safe, I just begin to replay that night in my head over and over again, The struggle, the hangup when they saw one would not do, the weapons they carried that made me realize there was no point fighting again. I gave up because that was the only thing I could do, I knew I needed to save my life at the end of the day, and I did just that, but sometimes again, I wished I had done more, I wish I was smart enough to think of a way to escape, I wish I was more brave and not cower in fear when I saw their weapons.
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These things are not easy to deal with. After the incident, sleeping became very hard, everytime I closed my eyes, I saw them. The whole event began to replay all over again in my head. I found it even more difficult to sleep after waking up because I do not want to relive everything. That day I didn’t just lose my phone, I lost a lot of company properties and even though I have gotten almost everything back, it still feels unreal. I even stopped taking the night walks I normally love taking. Whenever I pass that particular place, it all comes back, and the fact that I have to pass it everyday because it is close to my house makes it even more challenging. I decided one day to start walking past that place, the first three days was hard, It felt like the robbers where there waiting for me. I knew it was all in my head, but it did not make it any less real. As time went on it got better, because I have understood from past experience that one of the ways to deal with PTSD, is to face the triggers head on which really helped me.
My first experience with PTSD however was the experience I had growing up with my dad. I watched him do all sorts of things when he got angry, and because of that I was always scared of him and we never really had a good relationship growing up. I am someone who hardly gets angry, and for that reason, whenever I see people around me very upset, especially at their boiling point, I get triggered to see my dad and some of the experiences I had with him. One of them was when he beat me so hard that I was bleeding from my eyes (I’ve shared the story here sometime ago). So when people get angry, that child in me comes out. It’s something I am trying to face and still work on. It has lingered for a very long time, and I wish to change it.
THIS IS MY RESPONSE TO HIVE LEARNER'S
PROMPT FOR WEEK 218 EPISODE 3
