I have a hidden part of myself that only reveals itself when I cease performing attention and genuinely engage without constantly monitoring my surroundings,
I have a hidden part of myself that requires a specific level of stillness to access, but I often don’t allow myself, because it feels like doing nothing to the part of me that craves productivity,
I have a hidden part that knows things, thinking mind has not caught up yet and the gap between what that place holds and what I have acted on is one of the longest distances in my interior life,
What would I hear if I sat long enough in the kind of quiet that asks something real of me instead of the kind I use to recover so I can return to peace,
I have a hidden part myself that broadcasts something clear, low and continuous, I have spent more of my life learning to tune in...
I have been in the wrong environment for the work I was trying to do, and I blamed myself for the lack of progress instead of asking what the environment was hindering my work,
I have been in the wrong environment and watched myself contract, slow down, and lose the specific current that the work requires to move, I convinced myself that a disciplined person wouldn’t need the right conditions,
I have been in the wrong environment and stayed because leaving felt like admitting something I didn’t want to admit about what I need to be in the version of myself that the work requires,
Do I truly understand the circumstances that bring out my best and most authentic self, or have I simply been making do with whatever the day presents and labeling that as enough,
I have been in the wrong environment so many times while trying to do the right work that the gap between what I produced and what I was capable of is an unfathomable number…
I have felt a current of something moving through the room, throughout the day, and even within a specific hour, I’ve never been able to quite process this feeling,
I have felt the current and mistaken it for distraction and pushed it aside because it arrived at an inconvenient time and dressed itself in an unfinished and uncertain shape,
I have felt the current and then opened something else instead and told myself I would return when I was less scattered and more organized and more clearly ready for what it was offering,
When have I let the current carry me somewhere I did not plan to go and found that the unplanned place was exactly where the work needed to come from all along,
I have felt the current of something real and chosen the managed version of my day over it and cannot always tell afterward what I traded away to keep things feeling under control...
I have sat in the bustling place and felt the collective weight of others’ burdens pass through the room, I knew without consciously choosing to, that this too was a form of information,
I have sat in the bustling environment, allowing the faces, voices, and the cumulative hum to infuse my work with something quiet, controlled room couldn’t provide,
I have sat in the busy place and understood that the world does not stop its signal just because I have not found my best way to receive it and that the signal is always finding a path through,
Am I paying the kind of attention right now that treats what is actually here in front of me as worth noticing or am I waiting for a more impressive version of the present to arrive before I really show up,
I have sat in the busy place, and the quiet place, and the broken place, and the signal has been present in all of them and it has always been me deciding whether I’m ready to receive it...
Watchwords:
A place that only opens when I stop performing,
Stillness feels like nothing to the part that needs to produce,
Blamed myself instead of asking what the room cost,
Chose the managed version over what was real,
The signal present in every place I chose to stand...
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream:
