There was this important conversation at one of my guy's places in Lagos about two years ago, where I had a deep and clear thought about something that we were discussing, and I chose not to voice it out. It was a genuine one, not a wrong one. I had all the words figured out and how to put it down. But because out of all of us present that day, I know someone that could have frozen up if I chose to say it, because someone once said something a some weeks before we all met, and the person froze up due to the fact that saying it landed badly, and I was not ready to be the next person that would be a topic of discussion when we were on our way to our different destinations.
So at that moment, I just let it slide. I interacted in the rear of the conversation, and had fun. But I let someone else's weaker version of the idea become the final word in the room.
After we all departed, I was a bit more bothered by that particular moment than I even imagined it to be. It was not because I missed out. But because I saw myself do something that I was not even used to, I was unable to speak and say what should have been. What I did that moment was not about trying to be accurate if I look at it now. It was about reception. Me having a thought about how it will land and not getting the room messed up or if the context will survive the distance between my mouth and the interpretation of others present. Those questions were new and were expensive in a way.
A lot of people are not specifically naming clearly enough what the culture of offense has done. It has changed the way a lot of people speak the reality and quality of the idea into an emotional reaction of our audience. Which also means that a lot of people now hold a veto power over everything we voice out of our mouths just because they claim to be sensitive. Nobody voted for that arrangement. It has already become part of us because it arrived gradually through enough bad experiences and public pile-ons until self editing became our safest default while talking.
I have noticed something about myself that sometimes, the opinions I started swallowing were not careless ones specifically. There are some I have learned to filter. There are some I started holding back that were the considered ones, some that I have actually thought over and over about, and some that I just have to say it just as it is because they are the absolute uncomfortable truth. But is that how it should have been? I guess not anyway. There are some honest talks that some people will never say out loud because the room is no longer felt safe enough for those talks.
This topic made me think about what I should have said in my guy's place in Lagos that day. Even though the moment has gone, we cannot have that discussion again. But the habit of closing my mouth stayed in my head long after we left that place to our various destinations.
Thank you for reading.
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