The Shadow Asked Nothing So I Looked Away

I have felt it arrive unexpectedly, known in my body before my mind grasped its purest significance, I had about thirty seconds to decide whether to honor it or let it pass unnoticed,
I have felt it arrive and hesitated due to the wrong time, unsuitable conditions, and the unmasking being in another room, by the time I reasoned through it, the specific quality of what had arrived had already begun to become clear,
I have felt it arrive but kept going because what I was doing felt more urgent, reasonable, and accountable to the world than the thing that had just landed inside me, demanding all of me,
How many times have I prioritized the ordinary obligation of the hour over the extraordinary demand and unique thing that arrived, asking for exactly what it needed before moving on to someone who is me, who truly mattered,
I have felt it arrive, made the wrong choice, and lived with the specific regret of knowing exactly what I let go of and couldn’t pretend I didn’t know when it was already in front of my face…

I have been overwhelmed when new things arrived, unable to fully release the previous ones and receive them with genuine presence and acceptance,
I have been full of last week, last season, and the conclusions I drew from the project before this one, this fullness has presented itself as experience and preparation, sometimes simply because I couldn’t put down what I had already accepted,
I have been full and overwhelmed and called it focused, committed, and watched the new thing circle within the perimeter of mind, searching for an opening, only to leave when it couldn’t find one I was feeling to make,
What am I still holding from the last completed conversation that occupies the exact spot where the next live thing would land if I cleared it before it decided to stay or leave,
I have been full in moments that demanded my mind’s emptiness, and the price of that fullness has quietly accumulated over the years, shaping a reality I’m only now beginning to heal and unravel my own reality…

I have built a practice that consistently showing up, without any apparent reason, has yielded more meaningful work than waiting for extraordinary moments ever did,
I have built a practice and found that ordinary days brought ordinary things, while days I almost stayed home brought extraordinary thoughts that I’ll still be talking about in ten years, I couldn’t predict which days would be which but that courage to stay,
I have built a practice that the inspired version of me sometimes resents because it requires the same level of effort on days with no results as on unsuccessful days, the uninspired version uses this as a reason to just keep going,
If I had only shown up on days I felt ready and receptive, what percentage of my best work would I have missed because I decided it wasn’t the right day,
I have built a practice that teaches me the spark doesn’t always come first, but sometimes, merely showing up is the breathing that creates the space that spark needs…

I have walked past the epiphany hidden in the late afternoon light’s shadow because I was engrossed in my own mind, in my own thoughts which pretended to respond to something real,
I have walked past something astonishing, keeping my eyes at the wrong thoughts, I didn’t realize until later, when I recalled the almost-noticing in a different context of pain, and understood what I had been standing next to is not even real,
I have walked past the smell, overheard phrase, and image that belonged in my work without recognizing them because I had decided what the work needed and stopped being open to anything it hadn’t pre-approved,
What ordinary part of my day has been trying to get into my work, but I’ve been walking past it waiting for the right inspiration, right moment I’ve already decided it should take,
I have walked past many epiphanies hidden in ordinary shadows, so I lost faith in my own sense of what was worth noticing, slowly I am learning that almost everything is worth noticing, because the extraordinary has been waiting inside the ordinary all along…

Watchwords:
Thirty seconds to honor it or lose it entirely,
The new thing circled looking for an opening I withheld,
Could not predict which Tuesday would carry everything,
The shadow asked nothing so I looked at my phone,
Relearning with embarrassment that everything is worth noticing...