I keep letting days and days go by without posting my actifit report.
Oh well... these end up being more blogs than anything else. So, I think the last time I posted I had travelled to Bangkok and was "enjoying" Songkran. Haha. I hate how much of a humbug I've become. I walked around and watched everyone with each other, enjoying the festivities.
Anytime I tried to party in the past I was put down. Never "cool" enough, never really accepted. And when I finally got around some party people, I just go used and abused and trampled on. Especially by the girls. It's horrible how cruel people can be. It was in Thailand where I finally managed to get out and attempt partying so everyone thought I had money to drop. And I've never been someone that could drop money without a huge amount of anxiety and worry about budgeting. Which... isn't fun.
I wish I could have found legit nice people that wanted to genuinely have fun with me and spend time with me. My understanding of how my adhd/ autistic self comes across has given me some amount of both relief from self judgement around me not being able to be normal and gave me the reason why I was often targeted for abuse, but it also gives me a different form of self judgement.
I'm still going through a weird sense of loss and guilt and a distant sort of feeling of shame. When I look at my past and everything I've tried in America. How nothing was working and I blamed everything on myself. And it sort of was my fault, even if genetically, but in a way it wasnt.
So I left Thailand on last Sunday. It was a miserable 41 hours + the 5 hours that I spent at a "Amazon Cafe" waiting to head to the Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok. 10 hours was spent on the first layover in Qatar and then another 6 was spent in the layover in Miami Florida. Waiting waiting waiting. I would have liked to be productive but as you can imagine when you are in it, it's so miserable you have trouble doing much of anything. The worst part was the flight from Qatar to Miami. I was sat for the first time in my flying history next to a small child. This kid was about 5 years old maybe? And you know, wasn't the worst behaved, but the last four hours he just couldn't deal. I don't blame him, but it's just not something as an adult I want to deal with. I don't know why the father sat the kid in the center seat. Like dude couldn't you give him the seat next to the window and sat next to me? Why did you force me to sit next to your kid?
Again... oh well.
Since I returned home to South Carolina. I've felt a since of maybe dissociation. Feeling not really here and not really anywhere. No strong feelings, just somewhat listless. A little dissapointed that I never figured out how to make money online. I will continue to search. A normal job is not something I feel I am capable of considering my autistic and adhd self. So I hope somehow I can use what artistic ability I have to generate income at some point. I did try updating my information to get back to doing Uber Eats part time while I figure out online work. But Uber tells me that my car is to old? I don't know if it thinks I'm trying to do regular uber because who cares what year my car is to deliver food? I'm still trying to figure it out. I drove Uber Eats up until December 2021 and my car was to old to take passengers then.
This report was published via Actifit app (Android | iOS). Check out the original version here on actifit.io