I've once again gone a very long time between posting my actifit steps. Between depression and overworking myself I just keep putting it off.
Can I tell you something funny? I feel the need to hide my identity. What an odd thing to feel when writing blog posts and voicing all these inner issues. I have the same problem everywhere. I have this fear that something will happen and I'll be a celebrity or I'll become infamous somehow.
Sometimes I have a fantasy about some terrorist event happening or one of those shootings America has every once and a while. That they will be looking for the guy and somehow I'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time and be accused or reddit will somehow go after me. We all know what random internet sleuths can do when they go digging through internet histories and discover whatever. It doesn’t even matter that I haven’t posted anything horrible, I feel like I have. I feel like I’ll be ridiculed or talked down laughed at. Blamed, harmed. And we all know the internet never forgets.
I wish there was a hive post self destruct button. Like this post will turn invisible in thirty days or something. I don’t want forever.
And one thing about people is they can see, for the first time a post you wrote fifteen years ago and it's new to them and so it carries with it the weight of the now. When for you it is long forgotten. This is why I've always tried hard to keep all of my internet identities separate. I even end up creating so many social media accounts I forget about them with all the different emails I have. It makes it difficult to keep track. Even here on Hive I thought about creating multiple accounts and using one for this and one for that... But I always end up forgetting. And I can't keep my mouth shut about things so before I know it, my inner voice is all over the separate accounts anyways.
The thing is, I do wonder if this is harming me, for instance maybe if I posted links here to some of my products or designs or my artwork, maybe I would get new fans or outreach or that would get the snowball rolling. I don't know. Do I want the snow ball rolling? I do want money, somehow others get money via supporters on the internet or maybe someone would see my fiverr posted or see my artwork and commission me?? I had a little apprehension before posting my linktree to my main profile here. But I feel like this separation is harmful indeed.
I want to be known without being known.
One thing I always did wish was that I had one central online identity. But I've switched online names as much as I've switched belief about what's wrong with me. Currently I'm heavy in the belief that it was autism all along. All the therapy and questioning myself, all the attempts at being socially skilled, the hard work that never got me fully employed, all the attempts at getting a life together, trying to be loved or wanted... all the failure. The inability to explain myself or my problems even to therapists. It was all autism/adhd. It's crazy. And now I'm tired.
I just got back from a weird walk. Weird because, it's like I fall into a trance when I'm supposed to be doing something. All I know is I have an intensity when I have a stated goal and I can't slow down, enjoy myself, look around. I can't say hi to anyone I pass, sometimes I can't even look at them, like I have blinders on, therapists always assumed it was social anxiety. But I don't think it's that. I just get "stuck." stuck doing whatever I'm doing. Unable to switch and go with the flow. A couple older women said hi to me to try and get me to get a massage. The younger girls always ignore me. It ends up making me feel not good about my attractiveness.
Earlier I worked pushing myself hard uploading designs and trying to stay focused on that and not being upset with myself for social things. I get lonely but I try and just keep focused. Keep uploading. Last night I created some artwork and uploaded the sped up video of the drawing of it to TikTok. And I uploaded it to Teia.art today. I still don't know how to do taxes when it comes to NFTs and Crypto and I worry that I'm going to have to pay up a lot of money for whatever mistakes I probably will make. I'm always catastrophizing.
This report was published via Actifit app (Android | iOS). Check out the original version here on actifit.io