From all that I have shared in my previous posts especially with not getting the job and trying to work things out, I never thought it would reach this stage of me feeling like this. I knew that times were hard, I knew that it wasn't getting better but I never thought that it would be dragging me down like this.
The job hunt wasn't successful and it doesn't look like I am going to get any funding soon to get my trading business up and running again. I have tried to come up with different ideas of what else I should do but nothing seems to be working. I have found myself just sat staring at things moving except me. This feels like a very uneasy feeling wanting to be able to do something but you just do not know what else to do.
The other feeling I have been experiencing recently is a wanting to just get up and run away from my own home. This is not due to not loving my family but to the pressure of being forced to face up to this reality everyday. The bills keeps coming in just like an army I just cannot win. Each day that comes reminds me of what needs to be done and how I am unable to do anything.
I have only read about people committing suicide because their burden became too heavy for them to take, but now I have found myself having such thoughts and I am terrified because of that. I never imagined this kind of thought would cross my mind; but it's just something that I can't control anymore.
Even the silence and of my home makes it unbearable at times. Sitting down and looking at my house, all I see are empty pots in the kitchen, and the gas cylinder is empty too. It's not just the emptiness that pains me but what it represents. That is a reminder of my responsibilities, of what I am supposed to do as a man, as a husband, and as a provider. How far things have fallen from where they used to be.
I am ashamed of myself at this moment.
I feel ashamed looking at my wife, who has been holding our family together with her trading business. I see what my wife is doing, putting everything on the line. Instead of feeling strong, I feel like a failure for not doing enough, for not finding a way to end this hardship, even though I'm trying my best.
My brain never stops working, thinking about solutions to the problems, about what would be right to do, but there are no easy answers and I'm not finding any. I feel like I'm burdened by the weight of this situation, but I don't know how long I can continue carrying it.
At this moment, I don't know what else to do.
There is uncertainty all around me and no clear path to anything. I am struggling to be strong; struggling to hold on but I am not able to keep my head straight as things continue to get tougher and tougher, yet I know I have to continue somehow, even without knowing what should be the solutions at this time.
