After all that had happened recently with the job that I didn't get, my mind has been in a state of reminiscing my past, especially the part that I did not really open up to in my previous post. I did mentioned not working a corporate job for the last 20 + years of my life and the various things I had to do in other to stay afloat but there is something that I did not say and it keeps coming back to me; even now.
I had a severe case of a serious sickness in my final year of study that affected my hearing and as such it almost took my hearing completely. In all honesty; it was through God's intervention alone that I was even able to finish school. By the time I finished school, I was not myself anymore.
It was not only a matter of getting a degree and getting a job but a problem that would impact the perception of who I am as a person and my self confidence. Even though I went out of my way to find opportunities, I was able to go as far as my confidence would allow me. The fear and doubt, compounded with the reality about my health made it more complicated than I could admit.
And that was how I took up menial jobs, working from one thing to another in order to survive. I eventually settled with owning a small sales shop, which soon became my survival strategy. I focused on the things I could do, and not what I felt I could not do.
Now, following the failed job attempt recently and the surrounding economy, I begin to feel some regret. I begin to ask question about my past and my life, wondering if I should have tried harder? If I could have been more serious in seeking corporate jobs years back?
However, the more I ponder the issue, the more I remember where I was. It was not because I was reluctant to work corporate jobs. I had the ambition. The reality was that my hearing loss became an obstacle for me then and it affected my every decisions I made. It affected my confidence and in ways that words may not articulate, especially within an environment centered on communication.
Looking back with all the knowledge I have now I may be able to tell you so many things I wish I could have done differently, but at the time it was only what I could do with the strength, confidence and circumstances I had.
Perhaps I could have tried more, or perhaps, things would have simply taken their own course. One can never really guess the probabilities in this matter.
But something that I am starting to realize is that life is never that black and white when you look back on it. Things are not always chosen because you want them to, but sometimes just because you can't handle anything else.
And I did what I could do at that time.
But it still the question still linger in my heart: What else could I have done?
