I usually live on the grey side of life. Nothing is ever clothed in certainty here. Doubts and unlearned beliefs have been too busy to allow such. I tend to question everything and sadly this includes even the good things.
Trauma has a good probably not very healthy share of life lessons. Caution is the most common one.
Mine has made me a very cagey person as someone here once told me. I have a very huge problem with being vulnerable and accepting help. Let's just say I have dealt with bile spitting tongues over my indulging in the very act and I am no longer interested in it or the shame spiral it comes with.
That and my decision to remain single (to first figure out what I want) for years left fully aware that I was in the fight alone. Fighting it out solo. Regardless. But to my half digested shock that's changing.
Some enchanting soul noticed my disturbed one and got curious. Many months later, their light and warmth are now gradually taking down the towering ice walls I spent years building. Walls hurriedly built on disappointments while overthinking everything to oblivion.
Honestly I am still amazed at how effortless they are doing this. Or whatever charms they have used on my usually cold heart.
This while still digesting their profound interest in me. The simplicity of their complex language of intimacy and undiluted love. The unending concern and constant reminders that now I am no longer doing this alone. The overwhelming support I have never realized that I have been somewhat missing.
My heart is full. My essence has been brought back from the pits of loneliness. It has been reintroduced to the thrill of needing another. The absurdity of wanting them close at all times.
The oddness of wanting to say so much only to stammer on WhatsApp audios. The obsession with their seemingly calming voice.
I never thought I would feel these things again especially not this 'soon' as much as it has been three years but I am.
Imagine finding your pillar when you least expect it? The feeling of having something carved out of your own dreams into reality. I am the luckiest person alive.
My rebellious hair.
