Eleven months 馃挃 nearly a year since the world changed completely, since the person who meant everything was suddenly gone. Eleven months of waking up each day and having to remember all over again that My Confidant isn't here anymore.
Some days I don't know how to keep going. Everything feels like a fight, getting up, going through the motions, pretending that life makes sense when it doesn't. I am so tired, Mum 鉂ｏ笍 Tired in ways I never knew were possible. Not just physically but tired in my soul, tired from carrying this weight that never seems to get lighter.
I keep asking why. Why did God have to take you so early? Why couldn't we have had more time? More conversations, more hugs, more of your laughter filling the house. The questions circle in my mind and I don't have answers that make any of this okay 馃槩
But even in this exhaustion, even when living feels impossible, I am still here, I am still fighting, even when I don't understand why. Maybe that is something, maybe that is love continuing even when everything hurts. Maybe that is you, somehow, giving me strength I didn't know I had.
I don't know how to move forward, Mum 鉂ｏ笍 I don't know what "moving on" even means when the most important person in my world is gone. But I am learning that maybe I don't have to figure it all out at once. Maybe it is enough to just breathe today, to take one step, to let myself feel everything, the anger, the sadness, the love that has nowhere to go.
You always knew what to say. You would probably tell me it is okay to be tired, okay to not understand, okay to take as long as I need. You would remind me that love doesn't end, even when life does.
I miss you with every breath. I carry you with me in every step forward, no matter how small or uncertain those steps might be.
Until we meet again,
Your child who loves you always 鉂ｏ笍馃拫鉂わ笍馃グ