There are many things on my list to get done, many things I should do but I am not going to mention them all here. When it comes to New Year's resolutions I am boring. I really only have one thing I would like to improve in 2018 which is: try to be a better human.
This is easier said than done it seems. There are so many pressures and competing factors. I am meant to be a good father and husband yet fail at both because to be so, I have to be able to provide enough. It is romantic and poetic to talk of love but love is impractical when it comes to paying utilities and medical costs.
I want to be a better provider but to do this takes time and effort to get things done. Long hours, hard work and constant chasing to not fall behind. The time it takes bites into being a good husband and father but, it must be taken care of still.
Too much of life seems to be a catch-22 situation, you can't have one without the other but to have one, you must also have the other. How can this be, shouldn't it be easier than this constant struggle we find ourselves in?
Perhaps it is. I get advice to slow down, spend time with family, don't work so hard whilst the debts pile up, the bills keep coming and life keeps piling on pressures. Expectations that must be met. Don't try to live up to the expectations of others, be yourself. What about the disappointment in their eyes as another, small luxury must be passed over, again?
I once was lining for an ice cream at a kiosk and they didn't take cards. The guy in front had no cash and bent down to his four or five year old daughter and said, 'next time'. The disappointment in her eyes, how long until I see it in my own daughter? Yes, I paid for their ice creams and saw the gratitude in his but, it left me empty as I thought to a future where I am unable to buy the smallest of pleasures for my daughter, let alone the large necessities.
So I work, but at what cost, my relationship with my wife, my daughter? One year or two is not a long time in my opinion but from the outside looking in? And they are on the outside. For the most part, this is lonely work in the real world and as of yet, there is nothing concrete to show for it. Just promises. Like any relationship.
I work hard to provide but what if I lose them in the meantime? Another Catch-22? Is there ever a time where one doesn't have to compromise themselves in this life and still be able to have others by their side? i can live on a shoestring, but I can't force them.
For me, 2018 is going to be one of risks. So many risks and if I pull it all off, things will be fine but if I fail...
In the background, the rockets are exploding. Will life implode?
Midnight.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
