Violent Reactions

I am on "supervision duty" today, as my daughter and her school friend organized a playdate for themselves at an activity center. Since they took the initiative, it is fine, especially since this friend will be changing city after the summer and she won't see her much afterward.

It was a bit hard to arrange though, as the number of the mother we had and tried last night, was disconnected. While she called in the morning and we arranged it, she has changed numbers a couple times in the last year, which is very strange in Finland. Pretty much, most of my friends have had the same phone number since I first got them twenty years ago, and mine is the same also.

So, my mind being what it is, starts moving towards possible reasons. The first one is that some people will get a work phone and then to save money, will cancel their own number - I have a dual-sim phone and most smartphones support at least a virtual second number, so that is rare now too. So then another potential reason for frequent changes is some kind of domestic dispute. This is unfortunately far less rare, and seems to be an increasing problem in global society.

There are many possible reasons for the increase in the incident numbers, where things like increased reporting through cultural changes or communication methods, or a lowering of the bar of what qualifies as domestic violence, or other factors. But, there really should be zero incidents of domestic violence reports, because there should be zero domestic violence.

We don't live in that world though.

From my own observations, I think that one of the reasons for the increase in domestic violence is that there is an increase in violence in general, especially around sexual assault. I have talked about this before here, but I believe that there are a cluster of reasons that increase the likelihood of assault events, where there is a low emotional control, more distance and disconnection between people, and an entitlement culture where people expect to get what they want emotionally, mentally and physically.

The irony of all of the "safe" zones that society creates is that people become less capable of dealing with their reactions to unmet expectations, and take less responsibility for themselves, including their own behaviors. This has been combined with a far more individualistic conditioning, where people only really care about meeting their own needs, even if it is at the expense of others, and where people feel that they are entitled to, meaning that they own the right to get what they want, or do what they want.

Equate this to a stereotypical domestic violence scenario from the past, where women were seen as some kind of property of the father and then husband, a commodity to be bought and sold, a product to be used. It is pretty easy to see that the entitlement can lead to violence, when the "tool" doesn't behave in the expected way. When a person is dehumanized, there is no problem throwing the tool against the wall.

But, over the last decades, leaps and bounds have been made in re-humanizing women in society to their place as equals, but of course as humans do, the engineering is never going to be correct. In some areas it has been over-engineered and the balance has shifted too far, in other areas it hasn't gone far enough. And as a result, in a polarized information landscape like we have created today, individual aspects are going to be pounced upon and fought about, so rather than seeing all the general good that has been done, every failure is highlighted and inflated.

When I first came to Finland, I would often (most weekends) have Finnish men say, "You foreigners come here and steal our women" to me. This was often coming from people who had no hope in hell of attracting the kinds of women I spend my time with, because the women I spend my time with wouldn't choose a man who sees them as property. "Our women" is a possessive argument, one of assumed ownership and the entitlements that come with it, and while perhaps some women might find being owned attractive in some form, most wouldn't in terms of their freedoms as to what work they do, what they wear, how they use their bodies, use their money, or who they are allowed to spend their time with.

My body, my choice.

But this seems to have been extended out to many parts of society where people have taken it to mean that they are able to do whatever they want, regardless of the impacts on others. I am someone who believes in individual freedom, but I also believe in the consequences of actions. I am free to do as I please, and as a result, I will pay the costs of doing so, whatever form that takes. Yet, we have created a global society that is increasingly believing the individual can do what they want, devoid of the consequences of their actions. Perhaps this has been pushed through the internet culture, where there is more anonymity and far less physical response to behavior.

The contradiction in a far more informed and connected world, is that we have actually become less informed socially, and far more disconnected from each other. And combined with an entitlement mentality, an instant gratification mindset, and a reduced sense of social meaning that has been pushed into individual desire fulfilment, I think that it is only "natural" that all forms of violence increase. This is also combined with a world where at least some men are feeling increasingly powerless, with less control over their lives, and their roles in society being reduced, and for every action, there is a reaction.

There is an increase in these ridiculous man groups to reclaim power over women, or the incels who are upset they can't have sex with the women they want to, because those women aren't interested in them. There is an increase in group violence against women, and there is an increase in women using their power to inflict harm on men too, in a witch trial kind of way. The conflicts between the sexes is an absolute shambles.

I find it interesting, because I grew up in a family where the assumption was that men and women are equal, even if they might have different skillsets and opportunities in life. I find it strange that people who say they love women would ever intentionally harm one. And I find it strange that anyone who believes in equality between the sexes, would encourage inequality to make up for inequalities of the past. Yet, that is where we are, isn't it?

I have a few friends who have been in highly abusive relationships, and they were there long-term. One of them said that for a decade, they stayed because they felt needed, they felt important, they felt relevant, they felt loved in the relationship. It took them a long time to realize, that is not love.

They say you can't love another unless you first love yourself, but I think that one of the problems we have now is that we have positioned "loving yourself" as doing whatever you want and getting whatever you desire. That is not loving yourself. Love requires compromise, and it is about fulfilling needs, not desires. If you love your body, you do not fill it with junk, you do not abuse it. If you love another person, no abuse is possible.