A friend of mine messaged today after not being in contact for about two months. I apologized for not messaging myself as it has been on my mind, but I always felt like I would be interrupting, so didn't. They have felt the same, but also that they feel that when they have messaged it has generally been about how shitty life is going at the time and don't want to be that way, or burden others with it either.
I feel this last part too, as it does feel that often when I talk to people, I complain also. And like a different friend said when we met for the first time in a year ad a half, it feels like conversations have become "data dumps", with large amounts of information that span large time frames, trying to make up for the absence.
Smalltalk is dead?
Finns don't do smalltalk, as they see it as a waste of time and think that getting into the thick of it faster is more efficient. However, I don't believe this is the case, as smalltalk allows us to get to know the situation and test the temperature quickly, adjusting for the approach and then being able to increase communication impact. It is far more effective.
And when it comes to smalltalk between friends, it allows for a natural flow of the conversation so that there is a higher chance to dive deeper.
Discussion foreplay.
While not sexual, it is also used to get to know a stranger and test the waters, find common ground and see if there is a match worth pursuing. But, in order to do this it also requires being able to listen well, not just push personal agendas, something that seems increasingly difficult for people to do.
I was in a training session where people were role-playing customer discovery calls, and the thing that was highlighted was that the people acting, were far more intent on getting what they wanted said, than listening to the voice of the customer, played by me. These people are not salespeople, so it is kit their actual role, but it was clear that this is how they approach their own communication, talking and even asking questions, but not actually paying attention or appropriately acknowledging the replies.
And this is common these days, which could be down to the way we interact and talk through digital means, as while we equate for example chat and commenting to a conversation, it actually isn't. Yes, information is passed, but there isn't the immediacy of response, nor the ability to see all of the micro actions that go into the delivery, or the receiving. This takes a lot of the richness out, but more than that, it is actually akin to people just shouting into the void, seeing if anything echoes back. In a face-to-face conversation, there is feedback that can be "heard", even when nothing is being said.
One of my colleagues who after the roleplay noted that she felt herself not concentrating on what I was saying and instead looking to the next thing she wanted to say, also admitted that this week, she was meant to be practicing active listening. The irony of this is, she is actually someone who studies and trains people in communication, specializing in exactly these skills.
Shoemakers children.
Even when we know what to do, it doesn't mean we are able to do it in the moment, and this is why skills take practice, because they need to be made habitual, so the "automatic" response is the correct one. When it comes to communication skills, so much of the direct opportunity to practice has been taken away, replaced by a pseudo-conversation arena that doesn't cover all the skills required. It is no wonder that one of the biggest challenges companies and relationships face, is good communication.
Communication skills are vital for our species and it is one of the reasons we have been able to advance as well as we have. It allows us to cooperate and collaborate and solve problems and perform tasks that we are unable to do alone, but we seem to currently be taking it for granted, especially when it comes to the levels of friendship. We are outsourcing communication to technology and in so doing, reducing our own abilities to solve problems for ourselves, making us informational renters reliant on others, rather than owners who are able to work together.
The problems might not be huge, we might not be curing cancer or making rockets that go to Mars, but if we are able to deal with our daily lives better by talking with each other, the better we communicate, the better our wellbeing becomes. But if we can't even find the words to say or the time to listen to each other, what then?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
