I am totally alone.
At least for tonight. Smallsteps and her mother are having a girls night in the city, spending the day playing minigolf, eating dinner and then for a swim at the hotel pool. Smallsteps asked for time alone with my wife and since she is heading back to work at the end of the week, this was the time. They are enjoying themselves - while I have been building the terrace at home, so they can enjoy that too.
I don't like being home alone.
Not because I am scared or even bored as I have the same stuff to do as I normally would, and most of it is done alone after everyone goes to bed. But there is something about having them here asleep upstairs that I value, like I am working for them.
Which I am.
Talking with my friend the other day, I realised that people my age don't seem to think too much about preparing for their own death, in terms of what condition they want to leave their family in. It tends to be a kicked can down the road problem and something to deal with at some unknown future time. But for me, after so many near death experiences and health issues that could lead anywhere, but nowhere good, I reckon I think about it all more. Even the patio, which really doesn't bring much value, I have thought that if I died, at least they have most of the major work done and they can live here, without having to do too much for a while.
It seems silly to think in this way.
But it also kind of seems silly to not think in this way. We can avoid thinking about the inevitable, but inevitably, we can't avoid it happening. So we can live as if it isn't going to happen, or we can live with some consideration that it will, and prepare for it. It might be unlikely that I die soon, but it might be tomorrow. If it is tomorrow, I haven't done all I want or prepared for not being here well enough, but I have done something.
They shouldn't starve for a while.
And as my wife is clever enough, she might very well be able to wrangle a pretty could life after me. And since she is pretty, she could also just marry a rich guy. There are plenty who would be willing. If she does that, then all of the work I have done to support them, is pretty much unnecessary though, isn't it?
I'll be dead. It won't matter to me.
Now as you can see, when I am alone, my mind wanders into different recesses than when I am not. I think it is because our environment will influence our thoughts and direct our attention, and when alone, I become more reflective on life and death. I don't fear death, but I don't want to be remembered by those I care about as leaving them in a difficult situation. Sure, I won't be here to witness their disappointment or hardship, but if I "only live once" I want to live in a way that I believe makes their lives better.
I think that makes my life better.
Taraz
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