"Any fool can have a child. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father."
_Barack Obama
That quote attributed to Obama has been said in many ways by others, but its truth doesn't matter who first penned it. And, it goes for being a parent in general too, not just a father. And the "courage" in the phrase isn't about bravery, but the willingness to be deliberate, intentional, and committed to not only raising the child, but improving oneself to be able to raise the child as best as possible.
There are a lot of fools out there.
Courageous fools even.
Brave enough to raise a child, but still foolish enough to believe that a parent innately knows best and that they themselves do not need to improve in order to provide adequately for their child. For instance, there are a lot of overweight children in the world today, yet it is nearly impossible in the majority of the world to know that this is not healthy for children (or adults) and the outcomes in life are generally going to be negatively affected. Sure, there is the teasing and discrimination aspect, but take all of that away, and the general health outcomes are also negative.
Who is to blame?
Similarly, when it comes down to all kinds of factors in life that would benefit from knowledgeable guidance and support, most parents are deficient in at least some of the areas, whether it be nutrition and food management, education and practice support, or control of screentime and skill development focus. There is no such thing as perfect, but there is such a thing as adequate.
Using the food intake as a clear example, one of my nine-year-old daughter's friends is significantly overweight, and has been for the four years we have known her. As she ages, her weight increases further, with the gap widening between her and my daughter, with my daughter considered a pretty average child, if looking from forty years ago. We saw the girl recently after she had been on holiday for six weeks with her parents in another country, and she had put on another couple of kilos.
The predicted trajectory is clear.
But, it isn't this little girl's fault, because children are children and they all suffer with various types of impulse control. It is up to the parents to not only monitor, but take an active hand in managing their children's habits to improve the outcomes now, and in the future. For food, this includes leading by example, as well as things like gratification and expectation management, and being disappointed and uncomfortable. Few kids want to eat their vegetables, but that doesn't mean parents should not feed them vegetables - no matter how much they complain about the food.
I am a proponent for parents having control over their children's activities, rather than government control. However, I am also realistic and understand that especially today, many parents, if not the majority, are struggling with their own issues, including their own impulse controls, stress management, and addictions to various products. This makes me question if the average parent is really equipped to be the courageous, committed, and intentional guardian for their child.
There are obviously plenty of extremes of poor parenting that illustrate the deficiencies, but the problem is that it doesn't take extremes to create lifelong issues for children. Obesity happens a bit at a time, over an extended period. Generally, so do addictions, and many of the bad habits we have, weren't triggered by a switch that flicked us down the wrong path. This gradual slope into poor outcomes for children, speeds up as they get older, and both the results and the habits needed to change, take longer and more energy to reverse.
It is easier to lose one kilo, than ten kilos.
Unless you are already in good shape.
Childhood habits that progress into adulthood are not only hard to change, they also become part of the identity of the person. A bigger child sees themselves as that bigger person and lives accordingly. It is very hard to reverse an identified mindset, because to do so means "losing who we are" and who we have always known ourselves to be.
Yesterday I wrote about the banning of social media in Australia for minors and while I disagree with it in many ways, I also recognise that many parents are not equipped, nor are they willing to equip themselves to deal with the issues themselves. In many cases, the issues that the children are having are also in the parent, but the parent didn't grow up with a smartphone in their hand from a baby. The children of today have, and it is likely that because of this, the ingrained processes (hard to change) are going to be entrenched processes (very difficult or impossible to change) carried into adulthood.
Parents will of course argue that they are the ones who are best suited to make the decisions for their children, and I believe they should be, but I also believe that many aren't. Just look at the outcomes of children, teens and twenty somethings in todays society and consider what could have been done to mitigate some of the issues they have. Would it be the state, or the parent that is responsible. I believe it should largely be the parent, but that means a lot of parents have fundamentally failed their children.
Is it fair for the child?
Being a child is a difficult position, because it means being reliant on others for nearly everything. It is a guardian's job then to prepare the child for adulthood and to take full responsibility for themselves. But, if a parent is ill-equipped to do this, it means that a child can be conditioned in ways that are detrimental to their adult experience through negligence of the parent.
It is neglect.
Neglect of the responsibility to raise the child adequately and therefore, neglect of the child directly. But, the child is innocent in this, as they have no control over being born, nor what kind of environment they are born into. Yet, come adulthood, they are to pay the price of their upbringing. Or, reap the rewards.
Born with a silver spoon in the mouth.
This phrase indicates being born into a wealthy family that provides material value, but that also implies other privileges that can be made available. However, wealth alone isn't a good indicator of parenting values, or the habits they condition their children, as evidenced in the UAE where one-in-four adults are obese, and forty percent of children are obese.
The silver spoon of childhood should also indicate the type of parenting the child gets, and whether the habits they leave childhood with are beneficial to their future development and quality of life. Again, there is no perfect answer to what is right for each individual at scale, but it should be pretty clear to most people of what is a good enough answer. Yet obviously, many are failing to apply the knowledge. Maybe they don't have the knowledge, or maybe they don't know how to effectively apply it, but it seems that many are failing to make a real-world positive difference on the lives of their children.
We are failing the future.
Children are the future because they are going to make an increasing impact on the future we will live. But if those children have a lot of issues to deal with and a lot of bad habits to get over at the personal level, than they have less personal resources to put into other areas of life, like problem solving global issues, or building a strong, healthy community.
It would be brilliant if being a great parent was innate, but unfortunately, it is not. This means that in order to be even a decent parent, it is going to take paying attention to what is required to be so. It is easier said than done, especially in a world that is designed to steal attention from us for profit.
No one said parenting was easy.
Taraz
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