We all probably get a bit depressed sometimes. Though, some of us might get more depressed than others, and more often. I think a lot of it has to do with personality, where some are just more prone to negative feelings, in the same way some are more prone to getting flus, or infected ears and the like. We often separate the mental and emotional from the physical as if they are all different parts of us, but the fact is, they all affect each other in some way - and some ways make more impact than others. A slight disruption in our hormone levels, can have quite profound effects on our moods, and our thoughts.
I am someone who is prone to depression.
Always have been, and likely always will be - but most of the time I just ignore it because I have other shit to do. As I see it, we have been told to hyper focus on our feelings and attach our behaviours to them. This means that we are bound to act on how we feel, so if feel bad, we can do very little positive at all. But it also tells us the excuse that when we act on our feelings, we are being our authentic selves. And no matter how much harm we cause others, we are justified because we feel like it.
It is the behaviour of a baby.
I don't see it this way, which is why I try to ignore acting on a lot of the feelings I have. I feel them, acknowledge them, and then decide whether they are firstly valid, and secondly if they are taking me closer to whatever goal I might have, or further away from the person I want to be. If they are valid but aren't helping me, I don't act according to them. If they are invalid, I just ignore. If they are valid and help me, I act with them.
An example of each respectively; when someone says something to intentionally hurt me to evoke a particular response, when I feel like I am worthless and have nothing to off, and if I feel love for someone. The feeling informs me how to act, or not to act. But especially after the stroke, it is a little hit and miss. The stroke has made it difficult for me to evaluate the emotion as quickly as I did, plus words just come out of my mouth, even though they are not the words I intended to say. It makes it hard to experience, evaluate and gauge a response. I get it wrong far more often now.
But what I try to maintain is the sense that there is the stuff that I need to do, the way to do it, and my current feelings don't matter too much. Especially if they are invalid feelings. This helps me get stuff done, when others seem to be too tired, sad, upset, angry, or whatever other feelings hold people back from doing what they should be doing. This is important, because if we intend to act authentically, how authentic can we be if we aren't acting according to who we say we are?
I bring this up today because it is a day of contrasting feelings, where it is Smallsteps birthday and we are having a small ice cream party for her friends and the house is filled with laughter. And I also got some bad news regarding some work I have been chasing, which has left me deflated and feeling a little worthless. So, which feelings should I act upon?
It is absolutely clear to me.
Which actions bring value?
The feelings don't matter.
Taraz
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