I try not to let it get to me as I know this is a work in progress, but every time my weaknesses are made apparent, a feeling of exposure arises, as if I have been caught doing something wrong. I was talking to my supervisor about this today and how it feels at times like I have hired myself on what was written on the CV. But I lied and heavily padded it, and I am now discovering I am stuck with a crappy employee - the only difference is that I can't fire the ass, I am stuck with him.
I don't like this feeling in the slightest, but perhaps it is good to spend some time in vulnerability and having to ask for help, as well as look like I am incompetent at my job much of the time. I am trying very hard of course to actually do my job, but it is far more challenging at times than I thought it would be (CV: Adapts well to challenge) and I get far more tired without actually doing that much (CV: Can handle high workloads) and only a fraction of what I used to.
I have openly been speaking with my supervisor about this from within the first hours of me going into the hospital, but I am glad this is Finland and I have some protection on the job. I also said that if it comes up for any reason, he has my permission to let people know what is actually going on (within reason) as there are some potentially heavy knock-on effects and I don't want to make his job harder than it is. I actually had to give him permission a few times now, as I was surprised that some of the inner team didn't know what had happened either - HR rules apply of course, but I have waived some of them in this regard.
While it is uncomfortable, there are good sides to it also, as I get time to spend on some other tasks that I have wanted to work on, but are secondary to my training and customer-facing work. One of the things that the doctor stressed to my supervisor was, limit stress, but that doesn't mean I can't do harder tasks. Most of the "stress" I currently have is more due to the guilt and sense of letting people around me down, than the workload itself (CV: Works well in a team).
I have come to terms that I am lacking in my capabilities and need the time to recover, but failing to deliver to people I respect, sucks. Due to this, while my tasks are still important, they aren't time critical and if I do miss a deadline, the consequences aren't going to be catastrophic for anyone involved. I have a few support tasks where I am helping people with their deliveries and developing their collaterals, but I also have some more independent tasks, some of which I am quite looking forward to working on, as I get to write.
One of the biggest challenges I have is my ability to build mental images when consuming information, meaning that while I understand everything as it is said, I don't have a clear representation of the bigger picture (CV: Learns quickly). This makes recall difficult as I am very much a visual learner in this regard, but it also makes it hard to develop ideas (CV: Problem Solver).
For example, when I wrote on Hive prior to the stroke, I would take a snippet of information and start to build from there, rapidly being able to flesh-out the concept of an article in my head, then it was just a matter of polishing it and writing it down. As I progressed, it would change form as my mental concept would evolve through a splintering of ideas into pathways, but by the end, I not only had a post written, but my mind had several other posts roughly "drafted" in my head.
This is currently impossible and it worries me to think what might happen if it doesn't come back, not that it is of major real concern yet, but it still weighs on my worst case scenario mind.
Funnily enough (I have a strange sense of humor), this has made my "psychological Pyromania game - where I imagine worst case scenarios in my life, look for a way out, find one, remove it from the list of escape option, rinse and repeat until there are none left and I am stuck with no where to go - impossible. I just don't have the imagination for it at the moment - which sucks, as that is a game that generally helps me feel better about bad situations.
Note: that is not a game that everyone should play.
They say that when someone loses their sight, other senses heighten to make up for it. I don't know what would evolve to replace an imagination, but I don't think it is an extension of penis size. Unfortunately.
That isn't lied about on the CV.
This is all a valuable learning experience supposedly, but what I am learning is that I really don't like being this vulnerable, especially mentally. this isn't much of a lesson, as one of my biggest fears already is losing my mind, so it is more of a living nightmare for me - luckily, I don't mind nightmares either.
I don't like horror movies though.
Well, it is not like I have locked-in syndrome or anything though, so it could be far worse than it is today. However, it is an interesting experience for me to go through and note how it is affecting and changing me, as well as those around me. Since everything is connected, while the stroke happened to me, it has consequences on my network and depending where they sit, changes what kind of things they need to consider.
But for now, I think that is the end of my day, as I am yawning away here and can hardly keep my eyes open, which is another side-effect of my condition that annoys me as a lifelong night owl. I used to be able to survive on far less sleep, but now my brain just doesn't want to stay awake.
(CV: Can work long hours)
Lies.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]