A friend dropped by for dinner, a beer and a chat, ending up staying until two in the morning talking about all kind of things - from the state of the world, the importance of good relationships, the role we play in both, and how each affects the other.
One of the things that came up was the differences in how various traits are judged and what is deemed acceptable or not. For example, my wife is quite small, so people say to her
"you are so skinny, you should eat more"
But just imagine saying,
You are so fat, you should eat less"
What is the difference?
There are lots of these types of conflicts in culture and it is interesting how different aspects are treated. One of the things we were talking about in terms of the relationships is how we are affected by our upbringing and while not an excuse, it can impact us heavily. My friend didn't have the greatest role models as parents in terms of what is a good relationship for a couple, but he said,
"It isn't an excuse to not change"
And I agree, but it can definitely be a challenge.
If we look at it from a physical example instead, it is pretty easy to see how impactful upbringing can be, where if a child is fed a poor diet that makes them fat by their parents, they are likely to have weight challenges their entire life. It is going to be a constant fight. There are changes that are made in the body at a fundamental level that are going to affect attempts to shift behavior later in life. Not an excuse, but it does set up challenges.
However, one of the interesting conflicts that people have is they believe that our thought patterns are not physical, yet they completely are. They are not something spooky, they are physical mechanisms in our brains that are triggered through the very physical structures of our brains. We might not know exactly how thoughts work, but we know that different conditions will affect the brain and, those neuron structures affect the way in which we think, and feel.
Mind, body, spirit.
There is only one.
It is also pretty easy to see that it is physical as there are strong correlations between parent intelligence and that of the child, which means that it is nature, not nurture. But, nurture does affect our intelligence, with studies suggesting that a poor diet, especially in the formative years, has an impact on outcomes. How much impact is hard to tell perhaps, but is it the child's fault they are an idiot?
They didn't choose their food, or their parents.
And, nurture also plays a part in the mental structures created, where the behaviors we observe and how we get treated impact on the brain at a physical level, as has been seen in victims of child abuse. And, because we are all different and react differently to stimulus, the affects one event has on one child, can be different to the effects a similar event has on another.
So for example, my friend avoids conflict, which is a common trait in people who grew up with alcoholic parents that fought a lot, because they have been trained to not rock the boat, to keep the peace. However, it isn't easy to just "change your mind" because like it or not, there are physical aspects to it that affect the process.
Unlike being overweight, the structures of the brain aren't visible in the mirror and unlike obesity, it isn't as simple (in most cases) to eat less and exercise. And, when I say "simple" I am not minimizing it in terms of the individuals who struggle, it is just that it is a pretty easy solution. However, as anyone who struggles with their weight or an addiction will say, it isn't so easy, which I assume is because the real struggle is in the mechanics of the brain, which is why something like a hunger suppressant that makes someone feel full earlier or not as hungry, works. It affects at the mental level, tricking the body to eat less. Add in some exercise, and the weight drops quickly.
However, when we look at it in other parts of our life, such as they way we behave in relationships, things aren't so easy. For instance, I know lots of people who want to get back into the office, but have become trapped in their work from home mindset. How they describe it is like a growing hurdle that the more they are at home, the higher the step becomes. It is very much like not going to the gym for a while - the hurdle to make it there gets larger - but once in location, it wasn't so hard over all, until the next break.
While our brains are physical structures that we can't see, we are able to do some testing to get a better understanding of the outcomes of the structure. This is where self-reflection and guided-reflection can prod and poke into different parts of our thoughts and memories and take note of the reactions.
It is like shining a light on an invisible structure that the light can't pass through - we still can't see the "thing" but we can see the shadow that it casts.
Perhaps one day there will be such a map of the inner brain that we will understand it more like we do the outer body, where we will understand the mechanisms that lead to various outcomes and be able to affect them in the same way that we can choose to exercise, or eat a salad. Perhaps we will know enough so that we will be able to have a good understanding of what behaviors lead to our best, and what do not - and perhaps parents will have more of a book on what they could do to help, rather than harm.
However, while know that poor diet leads to poor outcomes in later life, parents across the globe are still raising an increasing number of children with poor diets. So, I assume that even if we knew more about the brain, most parents would take the pass of least resistance, the more passive approach, the one that is most convenient. It is like how most of the wealthy tech people, keep their kids off of social media, even though they are invested into it themselves - they know it is bad for children - and adults.
They know that it is going to affect the physical brain in ways that will manifest through the creative process - thought, word, action. They know that our thoughts create our world and, they evaluates our experience and generate our feelings. If we are conditioned to build mental structures that lead to our own negative outcomes, is it our fault?
Where does the responsibility lay?
And this is the interesting question for an individual to consider, as while it is easy to be a continual victim of circumstances, we as the person is the only one who directly suffers. But, we can also cause harm to others through our words and actions, so at what point do we have to take responsibility for ourselves, and try to be better, despite our past?
This is what we have created. The world is a mess.
Do we have to stay messy?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
