Getting what you want, after having wanted it with all your heart, all your strength, and for so many months, doesn’t always bring an explosion of joy where you leap into the air with triumph.
Sometimes, the feeling is that of a powerful momentum that suddenly falls flat and leaves you emptied out.
It’s kind of similar to this common and popular saying of the journey matters more than the destination.
But the destination itself matters as much as the journey too, as it is the destination that makes the journey possible, although they are like worlds apart between going on a journey and arriving at a destination.
The journey is a fire that fuels you and the destination is a mirror that forces you to confront who you’ve become.
I’ve observed time and again with myself and other people getting all worked up if/when they find themselves at the table but still feeling like an outsider.
The “table” metaphor here represents access, inclusion, or having a seat where important decisions are made.
The if part is when it happens unexpectedly, like a sudden twist of fate occurs and one finds themselves becoming the head of an influential political organization and getting thrust into a spotlight they aren't quite ready for.
This local politician thought that he could just give orders from his new position and it’ll be done as if with the snap of a finger.
All is not well when the reality of power reveals its sharp edges.
There’s always a huge disconnect between imagining yourself in a room versus actually being inside the room with other parties who are as cold, ruthless, and ambitious as you are ready to circle a weakening flame to put it off.
The sense of retirement and having to lay back to enjoy the view from the top is mostly a facade that masks the relentless churn of competition and the weight of expectation.
I think competition is a crucible that sharpens ambition but burns away naivety.
For myself, the hardest part about finally getting a seat at the table has been adjusting to the newer reality of managing expectations both of myself and others.
Every decision I make is shadowed by the fear of falling short of the hopes others have pinned on me. I imagined this moment as a pinnacle place where I’d finally belong, but alas now, I wrestle with the nagging sense that I’m still proving myself and it doesn't get easier realizing the version of myself that fought so hard to get here is still learning the rules for a seat in a game I don’t fully understand yet.
For the most part, learning to sit with this discomfort has been a journey in itself.
Nothing goes as smoothly as imagined.
Even though the expectation of a walk in and command respect hasn't materialized yet. It's been quite an interesting experience to learn the art of reading the room’s undercurrents and building alliances with people whose agendas don’t always align with mine.
Those who are direct in matters of confrontation can do so as a trick that masks their main approach which is usually the opposite.
Haven’t quite hit the mark yet between knowing when to push and when to yield but managing expectations entails mostly balancing my vision with the compromises demanded by collaboration.
The table is a proving ambitious ground and I’m learning to play the long game or rather survive long enough to carve out a space where my voice matters.
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