I can feel a pit in my stomach.
It's the size of a small-scale black hole. The gravitational pull around it is pretty consuming. It feels like my insides are sinking and taking the majority of my organs with it in a whirlpool. A bile threatens constantly rises from inside but alas, with an empty stomach, there's nothing that comes out of it. Just the heaving and the gnawing feeling have left me nauseated. Trepidation? No. Meltdown? Hardly.
I wish it was a welcoming feeling. I wish it'd feel like a thousand butterflies tickling me inside. Wish it could be my heart doing somersaults like an experienced gymnast - sadly, neither I nor my heart has ever gone anywhere near close to exercises of any sort. It's affirmative that there isn't a stage performance happening inside. Wait. Hold that thought. I have never seen an opera or a theatre performance before. Is it some sort of a tragic show on display?
What am I even thinking of? My head is funny most of the time. One thing I knew for sure is that it wasn't fear.
Fear is something I haven't felt in a long while. It'd be wrong of me to say that I have never felt it because I have. The chill that runs through my spine and the siren that goes off in my head compels me to cower and hide away from the apparent danger - those feelings have left me long ago. I'm sure given the circumstances I'd be afraid too. And also the bubbling volcano of courage will not have me freeze up in one place for long with my legs shaking. My lack of fear has had me questioning the feelings that are constantly growing inside - it's almost indecipherable to me.
No, it wasn't a panic attack; though I have yet to experience one. One might say that there isn't much difference between panic and fear but there is one big factor - fear has certainty and panic doesn't. Panic is as unpleasant as it is uncertain. But am I panicking? The constricting feeling in my respiratory system, that profuse sweating, the dizziness that has me seeing everything in doubles - none of these are present. Then again, I know the face of fear but not one of panic.
But I can feel my heart and it has been unsteady. The function of this heart is to just pump blood and feel happy; certainly, I will not approve of its unrhythmic thumping. One moment my heart thumps so loudly and my pulse is shooting up which makes my hands shake - this is the first time that the thump of my heart is causing my hands to shake. Humorlessly or not, I cannot trust my oh-so-balanced hands to have a hold on to a few papers and not have them drop. Am I relieved or disappointed that no one is seeing what's happening to me?
And then the most magical thing happened.
I burped; rather loudly and unladylike. That too in my office and on my desk where I'm surrounded by a few dozen colleagues within ten feet range. Surprisingly, no one seemed bothered - a burp isn't something that anyone feels offended about. Heck even a colleague near me burps loudly a handful of times throughout the day.
What do I know!
