Disclaimer: This is not a scientific post but rather an observation and some thoughts of mine.
”You’ve become like your mother!”
”I never wanted to be my father….”
Both these things and variations of them are often said and usually accompanied by a feeling of disappointment and pain, because we noticed that we display traits we hate(d) in our parents. But is it really inevitable? Do we turn into our parents, sooner or later?
When I left home to start University, I was barely 18 but glad to leave my parents and younger siblings behind. It was freeing and I think most people can agree with that. What I didn’t notice until recently is the fact that I left behind more than just my family. I also left behind their influence.
It’s almost three years now and my personality changed quite a bit. I enjoy more things, I try more things. I learned to control my anger issues and barely get loud while fighting anymore. In many ways, I became softer and more caring. But I had to actively work on that.
I discovered bad personality traits of mine and tried to change them, bit by bit. And then, I spent a weekend on the road with my mom (and the rest of my family but that is less important).
Pretty soon it got clear that I wasn’t my mom. At least not anymore. With every passive-aggressive remark, every eyeroll, every demeaning comment I realized that, holy shit, I had been my mom for way too long!
All these things I hated about my behavior were exactly the things my mom did to me for almost 48 hours. The only difference was that I was trying to change, my mom was trying to establish herself as the leader again. Because having lived away from her for some time now, I refused to just blindly follow her lead.
My theory is that we don’t just become like our parents because we get older. We are molded by our parents throughout our childhood and teenage years. Some people more, some people less. As we get older, we start drifting away from them and build our own personality. We start reflecting on ourselves and then one day, we recognize our parents in ourselves.
And we’re shocked, because it’s the negative traits we notice. And we wonder if this was inevitable, if we’re genetically programmed to be like this.
But we’re not. We’re intelligent and autonomous beings. If we’re willing to reflect on our behavior and really ask ourselves ”Is this really me or is this just me mimicking my parents to fit in?”, we can change who we are to the better.
Nobody has to turn into their mom or dad. Be your own person.
Picture taken from pixabay.com