Grief is an inevitable part of most human lives. Even those who live the most luxurious lives are not immune to it. They, too, will watch their loved ones die. They, too, are vulnerable to a phenomenon called death. As John Donne said, “Death comes equally to us all, and makes us all equal when it comes”. There is no one on this planet Earth who can claim that he is immune to disasters or misfortune. At least for now. The advancement in science is doing pure magic, so maybe by 2050, we get a tech billionaire escaping this. Who knows?
Time itself feels unstable. During the Covid 19, time felt like a sloth, and as of now, even 2030 feels like only a few steps away. Sometimes, I feel like I am grieving the loss of time itself.
Being honest, Grief is by nature brutally painful. It can drive people to isolate themselves, to seek an escape through unhealthy or illegal means i.e. drugs. One is willing to do anything just to silence the ache, and it is completely natural.
So a question arises: should we strive for a griefless world?
Just imagine someone dear to you died in an accident. Is it even possible not to grieve? Even if you are a pro-religious person, will it help? The answer is NO! But let say, I give you a pill with the ability to erase the intensity of grief. You will feel no pain, no sleepless nights, no feelings of chest being torn apart. You can move with the usual life: smoothly, efficiently and painlessly.
Most people would not even like the idea. On a moral level, it feels wrong not to grieve. It feels like a pure betrayal. If someone truly mattered to us, how could we not mourn the shallow space they leave behind? In this way, suffering becomes a signal of care, a signal of humanistic behaviour. Grief, itself, is the proof of love. “What is grief, if not love preserving?”
But suppose we lived in a society where grief had no moral grounds, no funerals required, no public tear, no judgement for returning to normal life at the spot. Would the pill matter? Choice is all your, my answer is NO.
Although, grief sounds strange and seems like an outward emotion, but it is not. It is not only good for others; it is also good for us. This seems counterintuitive because grief is disorienting and destabilizing. Yet it is not labelled as a disease. People receive treatment for depression, but grief is not inherently pathological. Grief is something we must pass through.
To deny grief is to deny humanity.
History is full of moments when people were denied the ability to grieve such as sinking of Titanic. The absence of normal funeral, of a physical goodbye. It inflicts a second wound upon the living. During genocide, when death and blood become more common than bread and water, people are stripped of mourning. That deprivation itself is seen as inhumane.
Good Grief
Grief is good because it is embedded within a larger good - self-knowledge. We grieve those relationships that shape our identity. Their loss forces us to confront who we are without them. Moreover, grief can motivate reflection and expose our real values.
Sigmund Freud, in Mourning and Melancholia, distinguishes grief from depression.In grief, “the world has become poor and empty”; in depression, “the ego itself.” Simply, grief transforms our view of the world, not necessarily our sense of worth.
But we know that even a relatively small loss can produce a big chaos. So how can grief act as a reliable path to clarity? Reflection often feels impossible in the thick of griefy smoke.
I think the deeper value of grief lies elsewhere.
We do not grieve every person. Professors, authors, social media mentors, they may shape our values profoundly. Yet their deaths do not always devastate us. We grieve those toward whom we hold strong feelings and positive attitudes. There is love, devotion, attachment and sense of being.
Grief, then, is not merely a loss of self - it is a loss to the self. It spotlights the love that once flowed unhindered. The pain is the evidence of connection.
This explains why we seek out grief inducing reminders: visiting places, specific songs, holding onto objects. The suffering is confirmation; rather, a proof that something beautiful existed.
We do not pity those who fail to gain self-knowledge through grief. We pity those who cannot grieve at all, because the absence of grief suggests the absence of deep connection. A life without strong positive attachments would be far poorer than a life marked by painful farewells.
That is also why it is so heinous when people are prevented from grieving, when mourning is politicized, suppressed or rushed. To deny grief is to deny one last intimate connection.
In the end, grief will always be painful. It will disorient. It may confuse more than it clarifies. But a world without that pain would also be a world without a depth. So, give your loved ones a big hug while you can. When the time comes to say goodbye, remember grief will hurt, but it is way better than the emptiness of never having loved at all.
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Peace 🕊
