This entry to start may seem more like a journal entry, somedays now waking up I don't quite see the same guy I used to see staring back at me in the mirror. To explain better, the last couple now days have started off with an usually foggy mind and I've had a hard time get my bearings about me, almost to the point of being on rough seas unable to get my balance. a sense of dizziness that doesn't seem to subside quickly, especially today, even bouncing off walls as I walk down our stairs, thank goodness Tracy had a bunch of pre-planned breakfast's for me.
Well now its, a day later since I started writing this, I spent the good part of the day under the blankets and I'm not quite myself today. I still have a very hard time giving into these moments of "exhaustion" I guess I'd call it. I keep wanting to make the most of each and really don't like resting my body in the middle of the day, especially when I don't fully understand why I'm so tired. This is pretty new to me and I basically have to be told to, "go to bed, you need rest!', but rest from what is what runs through my mind, I didn't do anything today....I didn't even go out running? What causes this extreme tiredness? The answer really is simple, but always hard to admit...It's my Cancer and some days it's got my number. I've fought it for a while now, I know I need to rest, but I'm still not happy about it.
I'm sure the season and the fact I'm home all day now play a part in it, but I'll tell ya when that feeling comes over me, it's like weight's tied to my eyelids and I'm ready to fall over, flat out at any moment..it's hard. Every moment this happens and for the hours or days I feel like this it's like TIME is being stolen from me, which at first angers me....then I remember to breath. So, I woke up today and still had a bit of that woozy feeling, had my green tea, a baked good like a banana square and some oatmeal. I sat at the counter and ate while going over projects on the computer...I have stuck to one of my new habits of not watching the news in the morning anymore. Now I'm not one of those guys who thinks the CBC is lying to me, I'm honestly just tired the worlds events right now, and the amount of me..me..me..All I'll say is don't worry about my freedom please, I'm good and very happy the call Canada home.
I'm a little restless waiting for camping season, so today I figured I'd grab my camera, my paracord and water and head down to the river for a hike, I was feeling more myself. I figured I'd trudge through the knee deep snow down at the banks and try to get some good pictures and practice some of my oh so exciting knot tying skills I've been working on. Well I got to where I felt was some good spots, pulled out the camera, took one picture, then one more and yup...my battery was dead. Moral of that story I have a lot of very simple thing to learn about photography....like it doesn't keep a charge for two months....duh. Luckily I had my trusty phone and got a few good pictures in, nothing real exciting, but I was also scoping the river for an early season paddle when the ice breaks. It's been a long time since I've canoed the Thames and look forward to documenting it, as these more Southern Ontario rivers don't get the same coverage on Youtube as those further to the North.
Next was finding a suitable spot to put my new knot tying skills to the test, I found to trees a perfect distance apart and went to work. Tying the end in a double hitch as an anchor then following through the other end with the truckers hitch in order to tighten my line...and wouldn't you know it success!! Now I know what you're thinking why on earth am I writing about this? And what does it have to do with Cancer, well it's just another skill to learn and a great way to keep my mind off of it. I rely on my Doctors for treatment, medicine, scans and someone to help and listen, but when they're not around it's my job to heal myself, or at least be the healthiest I can be for them and my family. Days like yesterday the healthiest thing for me to do was to rest and nap in the afternoon(man I do sound old) lol, and days when I feel better I'll get outside and try a new skill...something to keep me engaged in life. Then on real good days I run...to often we rely on someone else to fix us, make us feel better, when the real solution is taking it upon yourself to stay engaged in Life, no matter what that means to you. I still need coaching when I should be resting, that comes from my wife, I may not be happy about it, but I know she's right. I will still wake up tomorrow and find something new to do again, something else to write and I don't even know how long I'll be here? I'm too stubborn to give up easy. If you find yourself in a rut, just go try something you've always wanted to, turn off the TV and put away that phone...to much hate and negativity, it's like Cancer itself it consumes and takes over your life, very fast spreading and taking your friends away with it. Life is way to precious and short...too bad that's so hard to see nowadays.
This is post number 60 already....time flies. Thanks to all my readers. I started this blog as therapy, but has turned into much more than that. I have received many positive comments, so keep em coming as I do try and respond to everyone. We all have busy lives I know, taking 10 mins to give this a read means a lot. I'm only 2 followers away from 100, lol. Help a guy out and let's get me there. Cheers...and Love...Steve
