I may not be a professional winker, but I sure know how to catch your attention 😉
" We have two strategies for coping; the way of avoidance or the way of attention."
My high school years were some of the darkest years of my life. Some of the experiences I went through during that time permanently left their mark on me. The pain was too much for my fragile heart to take that I created for myself coping mechanisms to somehow find a way to survive through all of this. What I didn’t know is that these coping mechanisms would soon become so entrenched in me that it would take me years to manage to fully undo them. But at the time, this was the least of my worries. All I wanted was to alleviate the pain as soon as possible.
One of the first coping mechanisms that made its way into my life was masturbation. (I see you laughing already) While it may appear silly to some because they do it daily and don’t consider it a coping mechanism or an issue, it’s important to remember that the line between healthy and unhealthy is easy to cross for some of us. The truth is that I didn’t jerk off because I was in a particular mood to do so. I rather did it solely because for a couple minutes, I would completely lose touch with reality. And back then, it was all I ever wanted. To forget that my own reality was such a dark place, even if it was only for 5 minutes.
My other escape strategy at the time was one that paradoxically created more suffering than it took some of it away. It was my relationship with food. It started off with starvation which gradually developed itself into an eating disorder. After two years of painful torture to both my mind and my body, I managed to find my way out of the depth and exited permanently the prison of anorexia nervosa.
Unfortunately, the departure of one addictive problematic behavior often meant the arrival of another one. And so here I was, making my way toward the other end of the food spectrum: binging. It all started with an association I had made in my mind. I associated overeating with a sense of relief. With a sense of control over my pain. Through repetition, it eventually became an addictive pattern. But the guiltiness that came after having binged on so much food just didn’t compare to the pain I was feeling inside of my heart.
Fast forward to today. May 2019.
For the past two years, my relationship with food has been the best its ever been in my life. I eat very healthy and my daily practice of self-discipline and meditation have surely been a big help to that. However, two months ago, the old cookie monster in me took myself by surprise. I binged on food for the first time in years. I remember the scene like it was yesterday. I was in bed, trying to sleep, but feeling deeply anxious and battling intrusive thoughts that had recently been consuming my mind again. It only took one moment of inattention. A couple seconds of weakness. A single " Fuck You Life".
And here I was, at 10hpm, finishing my 3rd muffin under 5 minutes. I remember the way I felt afterwards. Suddenly, my pain diminished. Later that night reflecting in bed, I realized that it’s not that the pain diminished. But it’s that the association I had made in my mind many years ago that eating made my suffering evaporate was coming back to the surface in full spin.
Our subconscious mind holds extreme power over us. That day brought me back to a place I thought I would never again in my life enter. We may have been sober – drug free – sex free for 30 years in our lives – but that still doesn’t make us immune to the next 30 years ahead of us. Anything can happen. We need to monitor our every action closely, especially for those of us who have once battled some form of addiction in their lives. The devil can be awoken any day.