I never thought I would ever be writing such a piece so pardon me if I drift or if it sounds confusing. I mentioned in one of my first post here on steem that I was a transgendered person and tho I live my life predominantly as a heterosexual man I have to confess there is another me that is very much female and found herself a in the digital realm of Secondlife.
For those of you who may not know Secondlife is a 3D virtual reality game designed and created by it's users that offers unlimited possibilities and potential to explore and develop pretty much anything your mind can imagine.
Anyways I found myself getting involved in creating stuff and things and found I enjoyed creating versus the multitude of sins to be found "in-game". I settled in to a niche' market of making jewelry and needed a model to size and image my work for sell in or on the Secondlife marketplace. Hence the creation of the other me.
Being as Secondlife has it own currency and exchange services much like here on steem, I found a need to make linden dollars in order to upload my designs to their platform. In short I whored my pixels out working as a dancer in a virtual club and did well at making enough linden to support my needs. In doing so I learned a great many things about myself and the other me.
First I learned I can be a very very confident and convincable female when his g behind a keyboard and a monitor. Second, I came to the realization and acceptance of the other me that has lived inside of my for as long as I can remember. Third has led me to this posting where I can learn from sharing much the same as in the virtual world.
I guess that's the point of life, sharing. I am reminded of the words of my behavioral therapist I was seeing way back in the 80's when she told me my life was going to be difficult and if I made it into my 50's I'd probably be OK because I will have become old enough to simply not care. How right she was.
Back then my therapist gave me the secondary diagnosis of gender identity disorder. Today it seems hip to be transgendered. Living with it is a much much different kind of animal. For me I have no clue most of the time just who exactly I really am and envy those that instantly say they are this or that. I acknowledge only that I am human. I am therefore I am may sound grandiose or profound but provides a certain level of acceptance of living with at least two very distinct and often disturbing personalities.
I try not to judge but do. I try not to adhere to labels or cling to societal norms or biases either. I spend most of my psychological energy on simply monitoring my own self and my own behavior in efforts to keep impulsiveness, depression, and manic behavior to a minimum so I might function somewhat normally within the confines of society. I fail miserably at times but it has gotten easier as I've aged. Most of my free time I prefer to spend in nature away from the pointing fingers, the giggles, the judgment, the self felt shame, and humiliation of it all. I mean really. What or why would I guy want to be a girl or vise versa. There must be something wrong with them. Indeed. Maybe there is something wrong with the rest of the world and I'm just ... Normal.
So. In closing this script, I'll leave with a few more maybe's
Maybe I'm just a man.
Maybe I wonder way to much about women.
Maybe it's OK to just be me. Male or female or somewhere in between the two.
Maybe people are just that. People.
Maybe God loves us all regardless.
Maybe I'll burn in hell.
Maybe I'm just distressed and confused.
Maybe the son will come out tomorrow.
Maybe I'm rich beyond measure.
Certainly being raped as a young boys introduction to his/her sexual indentity led to this Disney ride of my life.
Hopefully these words will find another and provide some solice if for no other reason than to let you know you are not alone and it's OK to just be you.