When we are young we are growing and trying to find ourselves. We go through experiences both good and bad that we hopefully learn from and become molded into the person we are to be as an adult. For most of us we are content with that person I would guess. I know many are not. It took me a little longer than most probably, I was a shy child, then a shy teen and then a shy young adult. I wasn't a big socializer and had a very open and trusting heart. By my 30's I was pretty sure of who I was, with two failed marriages and some growth I had become a pretty decent adult with a decent paying job and some really good friends. I was content. Then I met the love of my life and my reality became even better.
Then out of the blue my Dad was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. He was only 65. He didn't want to go through treatment. He said he had lived a happy life and was ready. This was very devastating to all of us. But we, his family; wife, daughters, sister and in laws were all by his side through the worst of it. I had moved back in with my parents after my second divorce so I was already there. My sister and her family (husband and 2 kids) moved back in due to financial issues and also to be there to help with dad. And the man I would spend the rest of my life with, only having known him 9 months at this point also came to our home to help the family. For this I will be ever, honestly I don't even know if there is a word that can describe the gratitude and love I feel for this man for what he did for me and my family.
We spent as much time with Dad as we could while he was still coherent and not in too much pain. We celebrated his 66th birthday and then he was gone ten days later. I never expected his death to affect me as deeply as it has. Of course the death of a parent is sad and emotional but for me it changed me forever. I am not the same happy go lucky person I was eight years ago. I instantly became depressed and slept any chance I could get, I was falling asleep on my drive to and from work....NOT GOOD! I didn't care about much at all. Every year on his birthday I would get sad, well more sad than on a regular day and then basically the whole month of May. Every time I thought of my Dad I would cry and I just have never been able to get over the loss. I am still trying to figure out why I have such a hard time dealing with it. My Dad and I were close as Father and Daughter but not like some, I wasn't a Daddy's girl. Maybe because he was the rock of our family and was always there if I needed rescuing. Maybe because the last image I have of him is his withered body just moments before he left us and I can't get that image out of my head no matter how many happy moments with him I think of. I am trying to return to the person I was, I don't think I will ever be totally the same again but I hope I can enjoy life again.
