Hey everyone
Just wanted to talk about the chronic pain that I am in everyday. I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I’d like to chat about it.
Ever since I was 16 years old I’ve dealt with undiagnosed pelvic pain. Every day it feels like I am being stabbed with an electric stick and being electrocuted consistently. There are times when I have to hold on to a counter or table to stop me from collapsing from how bad the pain is.
I have probably seen over 100 doctors and had 8 surgeries in the past 8 years and it wasn’t until April of this year someone finally figured out what was wrong.
So let me go into a little more detail about what I am going through. Every single day I feel like my insides are being ripped apart and electrocuted. I was finally sent to a women’s chronic pelvic pain specialist. It was determined I had untreated endometriosis and adenmyosis. A lot of woman deal with endometriosis on a daily basis as well. However normally birth control that suppresses the period cycle helps stop endo from growing, and I haven’t had one in over 2.5 years. But with me that’s not the case. It continues to cause major issues in my body. Adenmyosis normally only affects woman who are over 30, and have had children. Both of which I am not and have not had. The endo went uncontrolled for so long it travelled to my spinal nerves causing spinal damage and major sensory issues throughout my entire body. Having a q-tip gently rolled across my tummy is painful for me. The sensory issues affect my entire body, my arms, my legs, my back. I can’t stand longer than 20 minutes at a time. The only position that is sort of comfortable for me is laying down, which we all know isn’t plausible for everyday living.
I manage multiple Mcdonalds Canada locations in my city, managing over 100 employees and I’ve opened two brand new locations. One as new as Nov 2016. In December I was put on a treatment called lupron, which essentially makes me go through menopause. Well try explaining that a 23 year old has menopause.. not easy let me tell you. During that treatment, it was a shot that lasts 3 months and there is nothing you can do to get it out of your system or rush the treatment. The side effects I got from this treatment were terrible. I was dealing with migraine, consistently throwing up to the point I lost 30 pounds. I made the decision to leave work on short term disability through my benefits because it was plausible and fair to my team that I was constantly leaving the floor to throw up, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t help make our brand new restaurant reach the potential it could be at, and that is not being a good leader. I still have not gone back to work because the pain is too great.
Most days, I refuse to talk about my pain. I put myself through hell on a daily basis to keep myself busy. Currently my boyfriends MS is relapsing so he is at home as well dealing with his own illness. I can’t even talk about my pain with him because what he is going through is much worse. Most days I feel completely defeated. I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I see how people look at me like I am faking. There is no way for me to describe the struggle I deal with everyday. I am at my wits end completely. I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of being and feeling useless.
What I have has gotten so bad, at 24 years old I am now having to have a hysterectomy. Growing up I always wanted kids. I used to pretend my barbies were pregnant because I wanted nothing more than to experience all that for myself. The past few years my mind and opinion on having children has changed. However, just because I don’t want children doesn’t mean it doesn’t split my heart into a million pieces knowing that that is something I can never experience.
I’m tired of my daily struggle, I am tired of never being able to talk about it without SOMEONES problems being worse or them switching everything around to be about them. I hate being in pain. I hate that I’ve had 8 surgeries in 8 years and that now I’m about to have a major surgery. If that doesn’t help anything within 6 months after that, I’ll have to get spinal surgery. I feel like I am at my wits end and there is nothing I can do anymore. I feel defeated. I fucking hate my life.
Pain is not something that I can easily talk about. This took a lot for me to be able to write out and talk about. No nerve medications have helped me. I see a pain specialist, psychologist, kinesiologist regularly. My kinesiologist said she hasn’t seen a case as bad as mine in years. My body is extremely defensive and refuses to perform the stretches that need to be done to help. I deal with getting 4 injections in my stomach once a week that helps the pain for about half a day. Which in my eyes half a day pain free is better than no day. I was given Botox injections which were shown to show great improvement in younger woman to help with the pain and they did the complete opposite for me. It enhanced my pain by 80% to the point my muscles seized so bad I couldn’t even pee. That happens to avoid 1 in 20,000 patients who get Botox injections for chronic pelvic pain. NOTHING has helped. Like I’ve said, I fucking hate my life. I’m done. I’m tired of nobody caring, I’m tired of never being good enough, I’m tired of struggling financially because disability pays Jack shit. I’m tired of not being able to go back to work because I can’t even stand up. I’m tired of stressing about money, and life and how people see me. I just want it to end.
Feel free to ask me any questions and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I appreciate it.
