How to Break Grammar Rules Like a Badass

Rules are made to be broken. Certain rules, of course. And these are those rules. Ya dig, diggy dog?

Fragments FTW.

Once you write a thing, you no longer have control over the reader's pace and rhythm...or do you? Why, yes! Yes, you do, my good friend! By using the magical grammar-breaking sorcery called fragments!

Fragment: A sentence which does not contain both a subject and verb. (E.g. "The pineapples." A complete sentence would read, "The pineapples ran." ...Hey, no one said it had to make sense.)

Using fragments appropriately tells the reader:

Slow down for these words. Each period represents a pause.
You're trying to make a point. Short, grammatically incorrect sentences are used to accentuate something.

But how do I do that...HOW?!?

Well. Thank you for asking! Let me tell you a story. Once I was in line at the grocery store when a man in front of me was texting during the transaction. Inconsiderate much? Although the cashier asked him to pay for his items, he was too distracted to notice. It made the wait even longer. So. Rude.

If that little paragraph used complete sentences, it would look something like this:

Well, I'm glad you asked. Let me tell you a story. Once I was in line at the grocery store when a man in front of me was texting during the transaction. He was being inconsiderate. Although the cashier asked him to pay for his items, he was too distracted to notice. It made the wait even longer. I found that to be so rude.

Which paragraph sounded better?

You could probably hear the annoyance in my writing "tone of voice" in the first example, but not the second. Using full sentences in the second instance was boring and emotionless. Be careful, though! Unless you are INTENTIONALLY using a fragment, it's just plain 'ole bad grammar.

Do the Formatting Thing, Okay?

Like purposely using fragments to break up the reading pace, formatting can indicate a:

Change in the tone of voice (e.g. YIKES! Um, hello? WATCH IT! Not cool.)
Side note/thought (Wait, what was that supposed to mean?)
Sound (PLINK! Ow!)
Phrase which is especially important. (Never under any circumstances let pineapples drive Mini Coopers.)

Some Words of Caution

Be aware that formatting elements are used for certain purposes, so make sure you're not confusing the reader. For instance, italics are used for magazine names, book titles, TV shows, etc. Also, make sure you're not going overboard with the bold, italics, and underlining (can't figure out how to underline in Markdown, grr). At a certain point, nothing seems important anymore (not to mention it's difficult to read.)

Writeth Like You Speaketh

We don't live in Shakespearean times anymore. Ditch the overly proper format unless you're writing a letter to the government or perhaps creating an encyclopedia article. (No one reads those anyway.) The best advice I can give is to read errythang you write out loud. If you're tripping over your words, it probably means it's too stuffy.

Finally, Ruhh-spect for the Oxford Comma

Never trust anyone who doesn't use the Oxford comma. Seriously. Don't—under any circumstances— neglect the Oxford comma or we can't be friends. Sorry, not sorry.