At this point in my life I am beginning to embrace uncertainty, and it's scary, really scary.
It reminds me of an old TV show, just been given sequel / reboot: Quantum Leap. It's a show in which the main character enters a time machine and goes on adventures helping people.
I'd been thinking about how far back in my own life I could go in time, before my former self became completely disagreeable and even openly hostile, setting aside temporal paradoxes for now.
A few minutes, hours and even days should be fine as I doubt that my mindset and life events would have changed a whole lot in that small window of time.
The last few years though, I think you'll agree, would be very difficult to explain to a former version of ourselves, and it gets more difficult the further you go back in time.
Most of my regrets in life have been caused by fear based procrastination. What kind of fear, I will need to look into for a future post.
Initially I was going to tell the story of past romantic encounters that went sour and the flow on effect of them, but I realised after 1100 words or so that this would just come across as a smear campaign against them, ultimately making me look bad. I do need to take personal accountability for my negligence, naivety, and just plain stupid decisions.
We are our own worst enemy at times.
The plus side to those experiences is that I took a deep dive into human psychology, became more aware and more assertive and started to try new things.
Above, I wondered how hostile a former incarnation would be, but I also wonder how brutally honest my current self would be to a former self?
Even as a teenager I wished a future version of myself would come back and give me a detailed book of answers to every question I'd ever be asked.
If I was to step into a time machine, Quantum Leap style where I jumped back into a younger version of myself, it would be when I was 16.
My father had offered to teach me how to drive, and I accepted. My first attempts behind the wheel of a car were not successful at all.
The first attempt lead to me spinning the back wheels of a Ford Escort Ghia on a football oval, digging holes in the grass. A grounds keeper pulled up in the carpark so we had to switch seats and leave pretty quickly.
Later, on a dirt track that was once behind the Parafield Airport, I had difficulty focusing on both the speedo and and the rev counter on the dashboard, and having to deal with a car coming the other way, while traveling at 80 km/h, lead to a shouting /screaming match, verbal put downs and such to the point where I resolved to never get my driver's licence to spite him.
Later, government propaganda ads designed to reduce speeding related accidents implanted the idea that I could kill someone behind the wheel, which didn't help.
There were opportunities throughout my life to learn to drive, but I either couldn't afford it, or I didn't have the time spare but I knew not having it has been one of the major barriers to employment (employers will use it to screen people out during job interviews) and my general freedom.
One of my neighbours has had two of his cars stolen and a third car had a tree branch destroy it's roof.
In many ways, I think I've dodged bullets in this regard.
Who can say though?
I know it would have opened previously closed doors...
Mental image of the doors of the Delorean from Back To The Future opening for comedic purposes.
The change I would make would be to find someone who had the patience to teach me how to drive, without the trauma and I know there are people who can do this and in general to not give up on myself.
The ripple effects throughout my personal timeline would be incredible. But I also know that there's a lot of stuff I would have missed if I hadn't walked or used public transport.
It's never too late to learn new skills and I am far more open to learning new things than ever before, I just wish that I hadn't left it so late.
While a stitch in time can save nine, now is my time to shine.
Thank you for reading.
Shaidon
