You may have heard the saying "You only fail at the chances you don't take, and everything else is a learning experience.", or words to that effect.
Right now I am sitting on a park bench outside of my favourite restaurant, the Pho Linh, which is closed on Mondays.
I've just had a chicken and avocado roll and a 500ml bottle of Pepsi Max from the Samnang Bakery, which has just closed for the day.
Mosquitos have turned the space between my fingers into pin cushions as the compete for attention away from my phone as I type this.
I'm sitting, weighing whether or not to go to the Rhino Room's open mic night. I haven't been rehearsing and I am aware that I am procrastinating out of fear. The lack of rehearsal is also a deeper part of self sabotage.
Sitting here is time not rehearsing, playing into it. It makes it easier to make excuses to not say yes to a spot when it's offered. Just like two weeks ago when I did just that.
I stop occasionally to scratch my now itchy hands.
I catch one of the mosquitoes, but there are several more floating about, overwhelmed with a vampiric desire for blood.
The internal dialogue, when it's not focused on finding words for this post, is about "not being good enough" or "I'm unprepared", but I have a few hours and it's only a 5 minute set, easy to rehearse a few times before then.
I check my arm and see a line of mosquito bites forming into a welt and decide to go to the nearby football club to check it out under the fluorescent lighting.
The inner conflict continues.
"Yeah, nah, there's always next week when I can more prepared...". The same excuse as last time.
Last time, I berated myself afterwards in front of female comedian Jazz King and asked her if she'd be there again at the next open mic night. She was non committal, but I said if I ever turn down a spot again, that she must give me a rap across the back of the knuckles because I need to be on stage.
I'm posting this here as a reminder to myself mostly. I need to jettison, not only the excuses, but the self sabotaging behaviours too.
I have known for a long time that I have been using food to suppress my emotions, this time I was aware of it but that still didn't stop me from going to the nearest fish and chip shop and ordering a plain hamburger with a can of Coke No sugar to drink while I waited for it to be cooked.
I went outside and finished the can, and as I lifted the lid on a nearby bin I was greated by a large blowfly buzzing around. I quickly discarded the can and hamburger bag, leaving the wrapping to hold the contents of the hamburger, eating it as I walked off.
The temperature is definitely getting warmer, meaning there are more insects about. I now bring a jacket everywhere but whether or not I wear it depends on different factors.
I came home and weighed up, yet again whether or not to go into the city. The fear of bombing on stage is a powerful one but I am told that bombing is a right of passage and quite common. Bombing is when you don't get a single laugh during your spot. Even some of the veteran comedians in my last blog post, who have been doing comedy for decades, had bombed as little as 6 months ago.
The audience's reaction is an unknown, non guaranteed, element, especially when trying out new material.
That uncertainty is something that needs to be embraced, rather than shying away back into the comfort zone, due to irrational hidden subsconcious fears.
I'm sure that my presence would have been more than welcomed at the Rhino Room by other comedians and I am sure I'd be more likely to get a spot due to my lack of stage time.
I chose, however, not to go. It was a chance not taken but it's not one I am going to beat myself up over. Every day, we make decisions like this, whether we are conscious of them or not.
And to be honest, the moment of choice was the moment I chose to go to the bakery mentioned above. The subconcious mind will find and make any excuse to avoid uncomfortable, unknown situations.
Going deeper though, I know that my material gets a laugh, but even though it comes from me it doesn't feel entirely authentic to my experience. There's a lot funnier stuff wanting to come out; truth being stranger than fiction.
I also think I've had a few bad experiences at the Rhino Room when I was first learning comedy which have put me off a little from performing there. I'll have to explore this further.
This weekend there is another open mic at a venue I am comfortable with and I am more likely to get a spot at and have something to practice for.
Until next time, the mental battle continues...
Thank you for reading.
Shaidon
