Today I had that dreaded aweful fear creep up on me again. The type that leaves you breathless and consumed. Years ago I struggled with this in major ways which contributed to me getting very unwell. Fear is a very powerful emotion and studies have shown that it can lead to bad health eg cancer and mental illness. It destroys us physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. It's been a long journey and I've come a long way. Over the years I've learnt to cope and handle it and at times almost ignore it but today wasn't to be one of those days.
What do we do to when fear rears its ugly head and threatens to bury us alive? When we feel suffocated and strangled and can't breath?
Recognise it....Today I was sitting at the computer and all of a sudden I felt very vulnerable. Being married we all know the trust that is involved in our spouses to be faithful and honest with us. I started watching a movie on Netflix the other day which was about someone who was addicted to meeting up with people from online sites. Just one bad choice (one click) lead to many bad choices and I quickly realised I shouldn't be watching it and turned it off but not before that fear started creeping up in me and grabbing me with its ugly fingers. Straight away I recognised what was happening! Today, maybe as an after affect of the other days bad movie choice, I once again felt the fear overwhelm me and I entertained it. Bad mistake.
The what's ifs and fear of the unknown can quite easily become uncontrollable, even though none of us are in control of our future and none of us can control our partners. So what do we after we recognise the fear?
Allow the fear to be there, thank it for what its going to show you and sit with it...I'd love to say that I straight away hopped off the computer and realised I needed to trust my partner regardless but I didn't. I sat looking through the search history and the whole time felt my heart pounding out of my chest. What If I saw something? What will I do then? What will I say to him? How will I cope? All the what ifs came flooding into my head. I wasn't in the present, I was in an imagined future. I was already stressing over something that hadn't happened. I was straight back into the past too and reliving moments that I've already walked through. Redredging it all up.
After about 30 minutes I had to hop off as I had to drive my daughter to gymnastics. I was so thankful that I had to stop. It was a relief when I pressed the big cross on the screen! On the way to the Gold Coast I started thinking about why I was worrying about this and why the fear was there. I'm not entirely sure and I don't claim to have all the answers but Something I was told a long time ago and which has helped me was when thoughts come up and even if they are unpleasant thank them for being there and ask them what they are trying to show you.
So I asked myself "fear, what are trying to show me. I'm listening." I listened to my heart and the small quiet voice we all have (though sometimes it very loud!). We might not hear it straight away but I can guarantee you that if you keep asking and listening you will know what it's saying or showing you. I have some wounding from the past and I don't believe the scars ever fully go away but they become what I call "sacred wounds". Wounds that we have suffered but have brought us healing and transformation in a deep and mysterious way. (I'll write another blog on this) Those wounds will still open up from time to time. I'm still vulnerable and in no ways have it all together but trusting our partners and marriage and love is dependant on being totally vulnerable. It's a gift we give each other and it's to be protected and valued.
I could easily put up my walls or try and control my husband and his actions but that's just going to make me completely miserable and insecure (I've been there and done that). My husband and I have come a long way and been through quite a journey. It's brought us closer together in the end.
So tonight I'm going to go home and when he gets home from work I'm going to hug him and tell him how much I love him and I'm going to be thankful for our marriage and our 5 beautiful children. I want to continually live in the present and not the past or future. I don't want to miss out on the one life I get.
