1
Today my one on one class with a 55 year old woman turned into a discussion on emotional maturity and how to have better relationships. Sometimes I think when I talk about my relationship with my mother, she starts thinking about how she can be a better mother. At first she took it personally and may have felt uncomfortable but when she sees that I've done a lot of work on myself, she realizes that she can too.
These are my favorite kinds of classes. More than anything I want to help people improve their lives. I only teach English because it's one way to do that, and happens to be the easiest to market.
2
A friend invited me to a performance last night, it was an Indian tambura performance in a Church...a very surreal combination, but a nice one. For various reasons I felt a little uncomfortable there though, mostly that my hips were tight and the chairs were very very loud so the whole room could hear you if you fidgeted. I found myself in a very sorry state of mind after 2 hours, even after trying to meditate and stay positive.
My takeaway was that (speaking about emotional maturity), I should have taken my leave during the one minute break between the two 40+ minute songs. I forced myself to be there though, because I like the guy who invited me and his wife and I wanted to please them. This was a good example for me to use with my student when talking about self love. I should have realized, the damage I was doing to my emotional state by staying there was more than the damage I'd do to our relationship by leaving.
3
I noticed a few very strange things about the night though, cultural differences. The easiest to understand is this: Only in Japan do the back seats fill up before the front seats. 70% of the people tried to avoid sitting near the front. More strange to me was that our friends invited myself and their 4 other friends to go in without them and then we all sat separately. There was no attempt made to get to know each other before or after the show and it was almost as if everyone intentionally ignored each other.
I know enough about Japan to know this is a habit of trying to always avoid awkwardness. Rather than make small talk, some people opt for staying silent, and this is not seen as rude, it's seen as a kind of politeness. In reality though, I think everyone would be happier to have pleasant small talk, they just don't want to be the one to start, and since I was not feeling great, neither did I.
4
I am going to try really hard to be honest with my friends when I talk with them next time. I don't like that kind of event haha. The church was beautiful and made it feel almost worth it, but 3000 yen to sit in silence and listen to meditative music...I can do that at home. The only reason I would ever want to join an event like that is if we could talk about it afterwards or get to know other people who want to meditate and be introspective, but we didn't do that, so aside from visiting a beautiful church, and spending 5 minutes with this couple, it wasn't really an event worth my money.
Perhaps if I had more money to spend or if I was feeling energized enough to create a better atmosphere myself, but I did not like how everyone pretended to be pleased with the performance afterwards, when clearly most of them were bored and came out of obligation to their friends. So I have resolved to be honest with them in a soft and gentle way. I don't think anything about that is unique to Japan, except for that avoidance of making conversation with new people, even friends of friends
5
I don't think many people are aware of how powerful group think is, even people who think they are aware of it. The only way to recognize the group think is to constantly audit yourself and recognize what groups you are a part of and their norms and culture, and the only way to do that effectively is to belong to multiple groups that are quite different from each other. I find it funny how so many people who lean one way on a certain issue, tend to lean the same way as most other people on many many issues, when these issues are often very very different. I find a few exceptions to this, but they are actually quite rare, even when dealing with people on the fringes, like this community.
6
I have a natural tendency to question all influences on me, mostly because I grew up in a very very judgmental place that was open minded on the surface but only allowed for certain flavors while simultaneously praising itself for being open minded. It was very liberal about accepting different races and giving women equality, but very very judgmental towards people without college education or people who chose to work with their hands, because white collar jobs were considered universally better.
I ended up friends with the small handful of punks in my town but I was always skeptical of how they all wore the same shoes and all wanted tattoos and crazy hair. If we are seeking to express our individuality, why do we need these symbols to identify each other. Sure they can be useful, but why is there more credit given to those who use them vs. those who don't?
7
I always felt more comfortable in the groups with lots of tattoos and "subculture" interests, but I always insisted on no being pulled into their norms. I never thought about getting a tattoo because it felt like I'd be conforming to my social group and I didn't have a strong enough desire to get one once I discounted the desire to be accepted by them.
8
Even with all that effort I failed to be myself in many situations. I worried about introducing my main group of friends to other friends because they were "normies" or had conflicting politics. I didn't want them to see me with those people because I didn't want them to question my place in the scene. I kept silent on some issues just because I didn't want to isolate myself.
9
Now I am getting much better at not being influenced by the group think. I don't always say when I disagree but it's more out of a practical desire to keep a decent relationship, I don't worry so much about my position in the community because I want that to be a result of who I am, not who I am trying to be. I will look for comfortable opportunities to introduce different kinds of friends. I am not shy about anyone or anything, but I try to find the right situation to let opposite elements react in a healthier way, rather than having them clash.
10
If this group wants nothing to do with me, it will hurt, but it is what it is. And actually, it hasn't come to that, in fact ,the more confident I am in myself, the more I notice a space opens up for me, especially because I don't force my perspective on others, and I look for the best opportunities to share rather than being reactive to everything. More and more people know my politics aren't 1 for 1 with the entire group, I don't drink and don't like some of their parties, but I still like them, and that's ok with them. I have different kinds of friends and I am looking for ways to let everyone peacefully coexist, and everyone has realized that and is ok with me being part of this group, and so, there are no real problems.
The only thing I need to focus on is constantly improving the way I express things and actually putting in the work for creating the life that I want with these people, or even without them.
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Untangled Knots podcast:
Japanese Upbringing Explained (interview my Japanese student)
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Confessions of the Damaged 1.1-1.3 on Amazon
