I didn't know the words to use to convey my sense of longing. A certain envy towards my peers' adventurous way of living and unguided frivolities.
This news I heard was the striking blow though. I had slowly begun to notice the rift growing but not until now did I realize that it had become a chasm.
I was angry. Angry at my friends for sidelining me just because I wasn't staying as a boarder with them, angry at my parents for not allowing me to move into the hostel, angry at myself for growing content and comfortable with the daily journey to and from school.
My "friend" kept on talking about the unplanned outing they had last weekend though.
Talking about how Bryan saw a snake and how they all ran away from dogs and had to jump the fence to get back into school.
All unreasonable dangers that students shouldn't have to face, all unreasonable dangers that my friends faced without me.
It was Monday. A school day, eight hours of controlled fun with my mates who were all boarders, eight hours stuck realizing just how much uncontrolled fun they were having without me.
They usually complained about the hardships of the hostel; the insect bites, the weird noises, the over demanding and quick to violence seniors, over and over saying how much they envied me who was in the comfort of my home.
I hated that lie, for if they hated the hostel, they could have just left, but they didn't.
They preserved. They stayed on and are gaining memories that I could only dream of.
It's like I was in a birdcage, one with all my needs taken care of. I was allowed to fly around for a while but I was made sure to be put back in my cage before the day ended.
The other birds who are free envy me for having my needs catered for, my owners constantly reminding me how lucky I am to have my needs being catered for yet I'm the only one who understands that the one need I have that isn't allowed is my freedom, and that's what I envy the other birds of the most.
I was lost in thought till I realized Dean had left. He probably realized that I wasn't paying attention to his story anymore and he must had gone to meet his other free bird friends.
I rested my head on my desk, tears threatening to spill out.
The only day student boy. A speck of white in a wall of blue.
Sometimes I prayed and hoped that my parents would just decide to leave me here.
The cost of fuel would surely be high. The amount spent daily surely isn't something to laugh at, yet everyday is the same, I stay late, praying and hoping they wouldn't come, they'll actually allow me to board, actually allow me to be free.
Every day my hope was crushed, and so it was as I trudged to the car in the parking lot with a driver holding out the door for me.
There was no need to run, it'll only cause more shame. I held my tears till I was inside and the car started its long drive back home.
I'm sure Dean, Bryan and the others would have another adventure tonight, and I'll be here, fated to hear and imagine but never join. Just sitting in my birdcage till I'm allowed out again.
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