Today feels like two steps back after taking one step forward. However, I have to be honest with myself.
I am a loser. I am in my mid-30s, unemployed, with no significant other (with no prior girlfriend), with a massive debt burden (due to student loans), live with my Mother (upon whom I depend despite being able-bodied and able-minded), do not drive, and cannot cook. I am stubborn as hell, irresponsible, selfish, and entitled. I express my anger and frustration primarily towards myself, but sometimes towards my Mother, even though she does not deserve it. I am short, not in great shape, and consider myself quite physically unattractive. I am timid and socially reclusive. I waste too much time on the internet because I am addicted, and I also waste too much time on my morning grooming routines. I have never done my own laundry, and have almost never done grocery shopping (I merely help carry it upstairs because my Mother has injuries in her knees, which is frankly not enough); I am spoiled beyond measure, and do not fully appreciate it because I have been inundated with the love of my family for my entire life. I am a burden on my family, and frankly the only reason (in my point of view) that they love me is because we’re genetically related and they have placed decades of effort into raising me. Outside of my immediate family, there would not be a single person who noticed nor cared about my absence for an extended period of time if I were to suddenly disappear off the face of the Earth right now. This tells me that my impact upon the lives of those around me has been negligible and essentially worthless. My life, thus far, has virtually no value. Even though I verbally decry self-pity, that’s exactly the content of this post up to this point.
Does anything in the prior paragraph appear to be the qualities of a winner? No. On the contrary, this reads like a complete
Nearly all of the items I listed are fixable and actionable. I have identified them in the past, and yet still have not done much to actually improve them. It’s pathetic and shameful.
That paragraph – a wonderful description for a dating profile, really. Just imagine reading this on Tinder. Red flag galore! Is it any surprise that I am alone? Who would want to be around someone like this? Who am I to give my opinion on anything when I clearly have not assumed control of improving my own life?
I certainly do not deserve to enjoy myself in any conceivable manner until I actually make the proper moves to work on transforming myself from this irresponsible child to something that may bear a fleeting resemblance to a functional adult.
It’s essential that I take accountability for my faults, of which there are PLENTY, as can be seen above. I do not blame anyone but myself for all of these deficiencies and the resultant personality and countenance. It is therefore my responsibility, and mine alone, to fix all of these deficiencies. Nobody else will do it for me.
I am thoroughly ashamed of the person I am, but I do not wish to end this as a message of self-pity. The entire point is to recognize my innumerable faults so that I can work on them, and I will not be ashamed of the journey to improve myself, as long as I actually follow through with it.
