There's a strange calmness that covers my emotions. It's like I had surrendered myself completely and the universe is working around me. I don't know if this is what hermits feel or if this is what death will be. Death will be the ultimate peace, the ultimate numbness, the ultimate calmness.
I had given up on everything the last few days, I had just given up on everything.
I don't know why except for the fact I had been feeling tired, so tired.
Then one day, I just dropped dead.
I woke up and I was in a new world. I continued my life, well not really continued, more like something new just starting.
To be honest I didn't see it as something new, I saw it as a continuation of something.
I remember that time, the time when I was human, there's a saying that the more you suffer the better it becomes, yes, I had been suffering a lot back then.
Maybe at that time I just gave up, or maybe it's like something had happened that made me not care about anything.
Maybe it's because everything just seemed all the same, it's like it was all ending anyway, I just didn't care, why would I continue, it's all the same after all.
I remember it took me a while to adjust, but once I did, I understood.
Some changed, others became insensitive, some didn't care much at all, but I have to admit that at that time, I was most of them.
I was numb at that point, there wasn't much emotion to show then. I wasn't human anymore, I was just a being. Nothing, nothing.
It was a long time before I spoke, apart from a few voices, most of the ones were cynical, mocking and some were too persistent, trying to force me into emotion.
Some didn't even try, like some dead people, some got bored and left.
So many things happened, so many things changed, I didn't even care at that point.
However, what made me still slightly care about myself was that my father still seemed concerned, maybe he didn't feel that I was dead after all, maybe he didn't believe that his son was gone forever, maybe he was just worried about me.
I had time to roam, I had to roam around for hours, for days, for weeks.
Then we were given the opportunity to roam around freely, we were given the opportunity to explore the new world we were in and we were given the chance to start again.
I was a good explorer, I had learnt to appreciate exploration.
I remember when I was just a young boy exploring my city, exploring my country and exploring my world.
But these things were unobtainable to me now, to be a boy, or even a man, or even a human for that matter.
I was a ghost, a shadow of my former self. I was what some liked to call an ex-human. I had given up, I had given up on the world I was in, I had given up on the people, I had given up on everything.
Nobody ever really cared for me, they had only ever seen me as a walking corpse.
They had only ever wanted to see me in their own eyes.
None of them knew the real me.
Once I had passed I had given up on them, I had given up on everything.
Nobody was even bothered with me.
So many things happened, so many things changed, so many things that hurt me, hurt me deeply and irrevocably.
They hurt me so much that I had to give up on everything.
I had to turn away from the world and maybe some part of me isn't ready to wake up. Some part of me is still in the dark.
So in time,
I became a being of secrets.
I became the boy who hid his real self in the fear of being rejected.
I became the boy who was afraid of being hurt, rejected or hated. I had to bury the boy who used to be safe in the comfort of his home.
I had to hide him away,
Because I was afraid.
Because I was afraid of being hurt,
Of being rejected
Of being hated.
So, I became what I am today.
I have slowly started to feel emotions again, not to care but to be fearful of emotions again.
To be terrified of feeling emotions again, of being hurt, of being rejected and hated.
To be held in fear because of what I feel emotions, of what I feel the world.
But now I have spoken to her, now I have told her how I feel, now I have told her how much I want her to be mine. It's been too soon for me to tell her everything, I could never tell anyone everything. It's never too soon to tell someone something you feel about them, it's never too soon to tell someone your feelings about them.
Now I am waiting for her to speak to me, to tell me what she thinks of me.
I am sitting here alone.
Waiting.
