Note: This free version of my book is a living document, not the most updated version of the book. Contact me at scott[[at]]oceanmedia.net OR use the form at https://clearsay.net/#contact to request a PDF or EPUB of the latest version of book.
by Scott Howard Swain
If you have read Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life (NVC), by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, much of what you see here will be familiar.
While reading Marshall's NVC book is not necessary in order to understand and reap benefits from this book, I highly recommend you do read his book because the deeper understanding of empathy and related concepts you will gain will aid in your life, as well as digesting the concepts in this book.
That said, I will share here enough about how and why NVC works, so that you are not required to read Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life.
In this book, after getting you up to speed on what NVC is, I'll expand on these concepts by sharing insights I've discovered while practicing NVC since 2005. It wasn't all sunshine and flowers and yet the journey was worth it!
Finally, most of this book is written in the first person. Why? Not because I’m an arrogant monomaniacal narcissistic self-absorbed and self-centered person but because I want to take responsibility and make it clear all here is my opinion, rather than Universal truth. To be that wise might be too boring.
(1) I like the acronym, PE. Just kidding. Not kidding. OK, seriously: I like to distinguish between verbal and physical violence. Some people may interpret the title of Marshall's book, "Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life," to be conflating those two types of violence. I don't see the book itself as doing so, yet labels can matter. I want more clarity and separation between the two concepts. I also sometimes hear people say things like, "Nonviolent? I wasn't talking violently before."
(2) Again, in service to clarity, I want to be sure the reader knows I'm writing about my interpretations and experience, not Marshall's.
(3) Finally, I want the freedom to share some of the slight changes and additions I've made to my use of NVC to create something that respects and upholds the integrity of NVC while allowing for some "tweaks".
Throughout this book, I’ll be using “NVC” and “PE” somewhat interchangeably. I will also be using the term “EQ” to mean “Emotional Intelligence”.
In 1995 when my daughter was gestating, I decided I wanted to be the best parent in the Universe. I failed. End of story. Thanks for your interest.
OK. Maybe there’s a bit more to it.
My natural go-to was to read books on the subject. So I read parenting books voraciously. The more I read, the more I realized how little I knew, not just about parenting, but about communication in general. So for the next ten years I consumed every book I could find on how to improve my communication skills.
Before long, people stopped clapping their hands to their ears and running away in terror when I spoke. It was a start.
Then, in 2005 a friend named Pat recommended the book, Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD (NVC). The book spoke to me on a deep level and it wasn’t even the audio version. It encapsulated a variety of principles that fit together in a way that appealed to my desire for simplicity, integrity, and practicality. So I read it again (and again... and again...) and sought out classes and work groups where I could learn and practice. Within a year, I had ended all wars and created everlasting peace on Earth!
Okay okay. Maybe I haven’t come that far yet but I still have hope!
What I meant to say was that within a year I was leading my own classes and work groups. Taking the book a bit too literally, and teaching them how to destroy all their relationships. Okay that is an exaggeration.
As the concepts sunk in more deeply and my experience with Emotional Intelligence grew, so did a desire to share the benefits I saw in NVC as a tool. It seemed more accessible than other tools I’d previously found in the genre. Which leads to the second part of my answer to “Why did you write this book?”
When an increasing number of people practice seeing from the perspective of others, there will be a reduction in destructive conflict and a corresponding increase in peaceful, productive competition and collaboration.
Practical Empathy (PE) is a way of listening and speaking with ourselves and others where the primary goals - for me, at least - are to liberate, understand, strengthen connection, increase responsibility, and empower self and others. Your goals could be different. Maybe you want more community, love, or depth in your relationships?
Let's explore each of these goals. I'll start with a "short answer" for each. Later we will go into more depth.
(1) Liberate oneself from painful and self-defeating thought patterns that are usually instilled by past life experiences.
(2) Liberate our voices to speak up for ourselves - speaking the hard truths about what we want and don't want.
(3) Liberate the deeper wants and worries of those we are in relationship with, whether they be friend, family, lover, or colleague.
Time spent looking inward to understand feelings and needs increases a person’s understanding and acceptance of self. In PE this is “self empathy”. Growing your self empathy has many benefits we will talk about here. One benefit to mention right now is that self empathy increases ease in having understanding and empathy for others. And, like much of PE, these practices tend to lead to increased acceptance, which often coincides with more clarity, efficient thought, and more productive relationships.
(1) Find a joyous balance between sharing what is going on inside us and what is going on with others by practicing:
(2) Shifting evaluations into value judgments.
This builds on the benefits of liberation and connection we talked about above. Think about the power we gain by liberating ourselves from self-defeating thought patterns by speaking up about what is going on for us, by understanding on a deeper level what drives others, and the support and collaboration we can gain by connecting with others. More:
We’ll talk more about these benefits later. First, let’s look at some of the terminology we like to use when discussing Practical Empathy.
In order to keep PE simple and reduce confusion, I'm not going to talk here about some of the ways other people define empathy and sympathy. There are many! I'm going to share about my changing understanding of these concepts and where I'm at now with what's most important to me: ways of distinguishing between sympathy and empathy so that we can learn, communicate about, and practice their use most clearly and effectively.
Back in 2005 when I first discovered NVC, the interpretation I had from/of the book was that sympathy was to be discouraged, while empathy was the primary basis of NVC. I saw NVC-style empathy as a combination of what psychologists call "affective empathy" and "cognitive empathy". With the benefit of hindsight, I see that interpretation as useful in my development of getting to where I am now with these concepts so I can condense these ideas to share them with you in an easy to understand and use package.
Because it inspired an inner "no compromise" approach to empathy where I pushed myself to let go of my perspective; a practice I'm glad I went through. And I’ll admit, some of the people in my life found this new discipline frustrating to be around. But guess what? I lived through that.
Let's take a quick side track for the common definition of two terms:
So, the NVC-style empathy that I have been practicing has been a combination of the above, usually a process that begins with cognitive empathy and sometimes - depending on context, intent, and mood - turns into affective empathy.
In the following example, Bob will begin with cognitive empathy and move into a more affective-type empathy. His primary goal is to understand Susie's world, not necessarily to feel what she feels. Let’s see how cognitive empathy can inadvertently lead to affective empathy.
Susie: "Today it really sucked at work."
Bob (using cognitive empathy - not feeling her frustration yet but instead trying to place himself in the scene so he can at least understand): "Would you like to share more about that?"
Susie: "Sure. Jim got on my case in our morning meeting about not working over the weekend on the big project."
Bob (here Bob is still doing cognitive empathy. He's more imagining what Susie was feeling, rather than actually feeling it, though at this point a person could be imagining it and feeling it): "Oh. When Jim said that in front of your peers, were you embarrassed and angry?"
Susie: "Yes! It was like he was questioning my commitment, integrity, and capability! I got pretty mad and exerted a huge amount of self-control to not cry right there in front of everyone!"
Bob (some part of what she said really clicks for Bob here and he starts feeling for Susie in that situation): "I know how much you value integrity and competency, so I can imagine how much that hurt!" (Bob's eyes now begin getting wet and he feels a lump in his throat).
All along, I demonized sympathy and enjoyed shocking students with my slight misinterpretation and exaggeration of what the NVC view of sympathy was. I'd say something like, "Sure, sympathy can be annoying or reduce empathy, but hey, it's better than a punch in the face." Yay, I'd usually get a chuckle or three.
In the past, I'd often describe it like this:
“Let's say you share your story with me about a rafting trip you went on. My sympathetic response might be: ‘Ah that reminds me of the rafting trip I did back in ...’
See how I made your story about me? That's not empathy. Here's empathy: ‘Ooh during that part where you were on that boat in the rapids, were you terrified?’"
[Skip ahead a few years for this constant student]
Now, some of the positive newer things I've realized about sympathy:
Examples:
“Wow! A very similar thing happened to me last year! But please, can you tell me more? Were you excited?”
“I was outraged when that happened to me. Were you?”
For now on in this book, here is how we'll be defining those two concepts:
Today I'll go ahead and post one more section.
