First, let's investigate from the perspective of an employee. Later we will put
ourselves in the boss' shoes.
Have you experienced times when you felt you did your very best, did a great
job, and yet you hear nothing or you even hear criticism? How about feeling
completely misunderstood or unappreciated when your accomplishments seem to be
in plain sight? Are you getting your needs for rest, harmony, respect,
consideration, appreciation, and recognition met at work?
Note: "Misunderstood" and "Unappreciated" are not feelings. They are
evaluation. As Marshall Rosenberg has said before, they are expressions of unmet
needs. The easiest interpretation is they value understanding and appreciation.
Too often we think that we either have to withhold information, lie, or
otherwise protect our relationship with someone by protecting their feelings.
Before moving on, I want to restate and emphasize the above assertion because it
is so wide–spread and important:
We often believe that we have to withhold information, lie, or otherwise protect
our relationship with someone by protecting their feelings.
Remember in the chapter on core principles where we talked about being
responsible for our own feelings? We compromise our integrity and self–respect
when we do this. Yet, we do it anyway, often because the only alternative seems
to be brutal honesty or at least something that will negatively impact the
relationship. Ironic that our worries of harming the relationship are at the
root of a behavior that – over time – harms relationships. Why do we not choose
behavior that includes more authenticity while still being as compassionate as
possible? Usually, it is because we don't know that path exists or what it looks
like.
"I can be authentic (real) and compassionate at the same time!?"
Typically, we only know the extremes of "nice talk" and "brutal honesty". With
some effort, we can learn to express the hard truths honestly and openly in
a way that strengthens the relationship because of increased trust, respect,
and integrity.
Here's an example:
Stimulus from a client when a developer offers to optimize the client’s web site
for mobile devices: "We at Best Widgets have no interest in our web site being
optimized for mobile devices because few of our customers are using phones or
tablets."
Fact the developer believes: Use of mobile devices for viewing the client’s
demographic is actually higher than use of desktops and laptops and growing.
Potential response 1 to the client: I don't want to "make the customer
wrong" so I won't correct this error because I don't want to alienate them. I'll
just do as they ask.
Potential response 2 to the client: "Hey Mr. Customer. I too remember when
few people used mobile devices for this kind of thing. I also understand how you
would rather not add any useless expenses to this project because you value
efficiency. Since this is a decision you are making that influences your
business, I feel responsible to share with you the latest, which is that the web
server log files show that users who come to your site in the market for Best
Widgets use mobile devices 55% of the time and desktop or laptop computers 45%
of the time. The data also shows that the trend is moving toward more mobile
use. That data also jibes with my research into your market demographic in
general."
Do you see the differences?
First, I’ll acknowledge the more authentic approach can be wordy. Until certain
advances in communication technology occur, this will probably remain a “con” in
our pros and cons list for and against using more authentic and empathetic
language.
Fortunately, I believe the “pros” of using a more authentic and empathetic
approach outweigh the “cons” in most situations, depending of course, on your
skill level. We can choose quick agreement to appease, comfort, and avoid
potential conflict or we can choose the more honest and courageous path that
shows we truly care about our client and builds trust and respect.
That all said, yes, it is important to pick your battles. Of course, if the
client chooses to hold their ground, you either do as they want because you want
to honor a specific client–developer agreement and you need to pay rent; you try
more empathy; or you find a way to fairly and gracefully end the relationship.
I used a client/developer relationship here as an example. I’m hoping you see
how this same model can be applied to a worker/boss relationship.
Do you look forward to getting to work every morning or do you groan at the
alarm clock?
Many of us spend a significant portion of our lives in an a boring, difficult,
or even toxic office environment, working toward building a hopefully
sustainable enterprise, or nest egg and hoping to grow personally and
professionally along the way. I'll even hazard to say that most people tend to
care about the client or company we work for, even when we don't have an
ownership stake. What needs/values do you think this serves? I’ll start you out:
sustainability and understanding. I’m sure there are others that fit. Use this
question as an opportunity to practice your empathy. It might help to pull up
your list of needs/values back in the chapter titled “The basics”.
Most of us value harmony and recognize the value in being friendly and
accommodating, especially if that attitude comes from a genuine acceptance of
our co–workers. Sometimes we hold back full truth in favor of protecting
feelings or keeping the relationship friendly. Or maybe we fear losing status,
position, or our job. See the parallels with personal relationships?
When we don't have the tools for communicating with compassion AND efficiency,
we might hold back and pay the price in these potential ways:
Let's adopt the perspective of a Project Manager named June. June has noticed
and felt concern over some behaviors in the company's weekly strategic planning
meetings. Mary, the COO, facilitates the meetings. When high priority action
items get side tracked by items June consider to be superfluous, she feels
frustrated because she wants more efficiency. June wants to tell Mary, the
COO, that she can see more efficient ways to run a these meetings but she
hesitates. The last time she tried, Mary reacted defensively and shut down the
conversation. June also lost "points" with Mary. We might assume Mary is not
comfortable with change or constructive criticism.
June might begin by putting herself in Mary's shoes. She'll assume the
following:
Mary has many responsibilities and daily challenges. She is actually concerned
herself about the weekly strategic planning meetings and feeling a bit
overwhelmed. The CEO (Richard) has been breathing down her neck to allow his
cousin, Jimmy, to have a voice. Mary has grown to abhor the meetings she used to
enjoy. It takes all of her willpower to keep cool whenever Jimmy speaks. She can
tell it is affecting the project managers but feels like she has limited
options.
The point here is that everyone has a story and needs/values they are attempting
to serve by the actions we see them taking. Let's call these actions "strategies
to meet needs/values." If we take the time to hear and understand their story,
to empathize, we can dissolve the "us vs. them" perspective that is keeping us
from approaching them from a more empathetic angle.
What is the next step in a strategy to improve our relationship with Mary?
June could say something like the following to her:
June: "Hey Mary. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a shift in the weekly
strategic planning meetings. I am curious how it has been for you?"
Mary: "Me too. It's not an easy topic."
June: "I hear that! Are you feeling overwhelmed, wanting solutions, but also
wanting to trust that our conversation can be kept between us?" [Here June took
a few stabs in the dark to guess quite a bit about Mary's state, including a
need for privacy and security.]
Mary: "Yes!"
June: "Deal. You are safe. What's it like to be in your role, with expectations
and pressure coming at you from all sides?"
Mary: "It's hard, June. Richard's eyes glaze over any time I bring up Jimmy."
June: "Are you noticing how Jimmy's input slows the meetings down, wanting to
somehow fix that, but worried how Richard will react?"
Mary: "Exactly!"
Notice how June is listening for feelings and values? She is building a trusting
connection with Mary so they can more efficiently brainstorm together on a
solution. Also, notice how June is not rushing to offer advice or reassurance?
More on that in other articles.
Let's stick with the office environment but shift to a slightly different kind
of situation where we will apply the same tool.
Imagine the space in time between what you perceive someone tells you they are
not happy with something you did or didn't do and your reaction (defense,
offense, apology, retreat). That time period is malleable. With some exercise,
you can increase the amount of internal processing you can get done within that
time period so that you can reply from a position of greater strength.
Imagine feeling as if you have plenty of time once you experience something, to
ask yourself, "How does being defensive in this situation serve me?" Sometimes
you may wish to choose to hold on to and display righteous anger and sometimes
not. And with the practice I will demonstrate, you will even decrease the
chances of feeling anger in the first place! But the point here is that you
have choice. You are not a slave to your emotions. With practice: You have the
time to dispassionately examine the moment and choose which reaction will best
serve you.
How do we apply empathy in potentially volatile "office environment" situations?
Boss: "You were late with the report, flake."
Response – Defensive: "I'm not a flake! You overwork me!"
Alternative Response – Empathetic: "I'm guessing you want to trust the
reliability of my word and know that I understand how late delivery affects
you?"
Boss: "I see the project is behind schedule."
Response – Defensive: "You didn't remind me, dictator."
Alternative Response – Empathetic: "I'm guessing integrity is important to you
and this can impact how the client sees you? Would you like to talk about a
solution?"
This is practicing empathy. Every time we pause to look at the situation from
the other person's perspective and guess at their values – "trust," "integrity,"
and "understanding" in this case – we are strengthening our ability to empathize
and working toward this becoming automatic. Yes, with practice, you improve your
emotional intelligence (EQ) to the point where empathetic responses become
automatic more and more often.
All of which leads to improved company sustainability and increased profit
margins.
