If Aunt Hiedi is getting a little too friendly with the hot toddies or you just simply can't stand another moment in a room with all of your related nightmares, you have a huge, festive excuse to evacuate in the corner.
Now, if your host isn't overzealous and the house hasn't been decorated since November 1st, resulting in a fresh tree, you may have a little more trouble igniting it. In the event of a non-crispy tree, use the wrapped gifts underneath.
Pro-tip: Remove all the good gifts first.
(Knocking over the menorah and running like hell also works.)
If setting the house aflame and running/crying/screaming isn't an option the go-to is alcohol. You can slip some into your hot chocolate, sneak a shot or two while the inlaws are fighting... put it over a slice of pie like a glorious glaze. The possibilities are endless!
All of a sudden the screaming from the crotch goblins of your siblings seem a bit quieter! Your resentment for blatant favoritism fades! Your mother sounds like all the adults from The Peanuts special!
While you are staving off the crippling decline into insanity you can eat until you don't feel feelings anymore. Turkey. Ham. Potatoes. Bread. Drown your genetic rage in carbs. Drown it.
Pro-tip: Make a bib out of wrapping paper. Festive AND functional.
They say that petting an animal lowers your blood pressure. Chances are, if you read the above and any of it sounded reminiscent of your holidays, you could probably do with some lowered BP. Not to mention, for the most part, pets are better company than people. Grab a plate of food, a bottle of wine, crawl under the table, and pet the dog. Worst case, the dog steals the food. Best case, your family realizes you've finally gone off the deep end and make a hasty retreat into the night.
Being locked in a building with your relatives can be hellish and feel like a solid eternity has passed. You can feel yourself aging. You find yourself standing over a sink full of dishes and pining for the return of blessed silence. It seems like it has been years since you could scratch your buttcheek openly. Or belch without excusing yourself.
But hold tight. This is only temporary. They will fuck off into the sunset soon enough, loaded to the teeth with leftovers and gifts. And you will once again be free.
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