My Mother and Her Wisdom

I was not there when my mother was buried. I was stuck in my own world, digging my way out of a hole created by a life that I no longer lead. Weighted around my neck were preconceived notions brought forth from a lifetime of being married to a man that I didn not love, working at a job that I didn't like and other poor life decisions that stemmed from dreams that were as dead as my mother. It is a bleak setting, I am aware. After all, I lived it. LIVING it, I guess you could say but that doesn't represent the truth. Can you really call this paycheck to paycheck bullshit living?

Words From the Past Remain Present

Dead wisdom tells no tales, but creates an inner dialgue that can plague even the healthiest of minds.

Working as a job is lame, when you're working simply for the sake of money or having a job. It took me a long time to realize that. Until relatively recently, I always thought that was what work was supposed to be. It was a way to make money. I cant say that I liked the concept, but I wasn't bad at it.

The demand to worrk, has always been a thing. Personally, I have a highly competitive drive. When it was time to go out into the wodld I did just that. From rhe beginningi strived for better. I never got stuck in a fast food job or labor, i went straight for the office.

My grandmother had invested in a program called Mavis Beacon in the mid-90s. She said computers were the way of the future and us kids needed to learn to type. I learned and I learned well. I managed to do 60 wpm by 12th grade wothout a computer or typing class. I got a job in a veterinarian hospital at the age of 18 and worked my way into customer service by 20, making about 14.00 an hour.

By the time thst I was 25, I made decent wages, had a husband and a baby, plus I was paying my way as best I could. Of course, living in So Cal at the time I spent plenty of money just living and had to look the part of working mom and modern wife so I spent money on the image too. Good money made. Good money spent. I was doing okay in life on paper. Inside, I was dying.

I am not sure when the madness caught up with me, but along the way it did. It didn't matter, how much money I made. It didn't matter what I could have in life that money could buy. As my son grew older, the thought of public school raising him made me sick. I worked harder and put in more hours when he went to pre school I made sure to pay for only the best. If I couldn't be there with him, at least he'd have the best in education. For a while he thrived and so did I. He was in a Montessori school and since I paid the bills, I could dictate whete he would go. It seemed to be okay for a whilw but it was at this time that I began to job hop a bit. I would do great at a new job, then within 6 months, I would slowly crumble.

I missed him so much while I worked. Plus, I slowly did way with hobbies, opting for work and anything to chase the dollar or to be with my son. For me, that was my focus. More money, meant to me, more time with him and better things that I could buy him.

At some point, it just seemed dumb. I would complain and say that this life didn't make sense.

The good job I had, or the string of them, this isn't what I wanted to be doing. I worked in security, insurance and roadside assistance. None of these careers made any impact on life as I saw it, through a quickly solidifying spiritual lense.

Raised in a household of Baptism and abuse, I brought those values with me, which were being honed by my own relgious affiliations. At tge time, I was still in training to become a pagan cleegy, expanding my own church locally and volunteering in my off time. It all culminated this desire to be better than my past, to use painful experiences for growth. I demanded to know how I was growing, to try to see the positives in my work that I had been doing. It all seemed hard and not worth it. Wasntvthere a way that I could help people, help myself and create a positive change in the world while being able to sustain a family?

Well, if it wasn't difficult then they wouldnt call it work!
These words ring in my ears. _Thanks, Mom."

She was of a generation that seemed to think that there had to be some difficulties in life. You couldn't like your job, if you did you weren't working hard enough. When I realized that this was her philosophy and that I had misunderstood her message the whole time, I felt cheated. I always thought that she was telling me her experience. I'd misunderstood that she was simply regurgitating what she'd been told, as a way to cope with her own unhappiness.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me???

I realize now where I went wrong. I realize that my mom mistook my faking it till I made it as actually being happy.

You see, my mother was rediculously in love with my father. He was her life and that was her perspective. I was with my then husband, in her eyes, because I was in love. She didnt realize I was in love with my son, with being his mom. I was taught that you stay together as a family because thats what tou do.

Thats what she did. But she loved my dad. As far as Im concerned, she cared for him far more than she did us kids. I don't mean that callously. Ultimately, after her past (trust me on this), she figured marraige was tough but love would see you through.

Maybe Love is All You Need?

When I was divorced, she felt bad for me. At first, treating it as a heartbreak but then realizing that I wasn't devestated by loss of live she changed ger tune on the advice she gave. She stressed less that I should work more or work harder, she told me that I should find love.

Work will always be there, you'll spend your life working. She told me this once while I was going through it.

After my husband left, I was working from home, freelancing. She stopped telling me, finally, to get a real job. She told me instead to do what I can. When I lost my house, she was the one person that I was scared to tell. Her mom, my grandma, had given my husband and I money to purchase a home in Idaho. I had maybe 2k left on the place but got behind. I lost my house owing only 2k on it. All that money, gone. Ah failure!

When I called her, I expected her to be mad. I expected a lecture. I got none of that. When I tried to sort my world out, she rallied around me and was my biggest supporter.

Then, when she met my current partner, Brian, she was so happy.

This guy <3 My mom liked him so much, that after dating less than a year, when I took him home to visit my parents in California, she pulled him aside, crying, about how happy he made me and that she had never seen me so vibrant and happy.

She knew that I had found the love of my life, even if I wasn't 100 percent convinced. Being a bit gun shy, it took me a bit longer to see that she was right. I mean I took him home to mwet my family, sure. But love and fluffy happiness, forever? That was a much harder sell.

I Am Beginning to Understand

Life is easier when in love. It is for me anyway, and I can't share anything but my own personal experience. I thought that my life should be owd for my kids, part of me still does. But how can I fully do this and not lean on them completely when life is tough? My job as a parentvis to teach them to be prepared for this life thing. To do that, I need to lead by example.

I have found my partner, who I am pretty sure will some day be my husband. One day, when I have the money thing figured out, we will do the ceremony and all that. Until then, Im blessed to have found my partner.

Everything is different when you're living life with access to love, where you can witness it daily. Of course, my kids are always the goal. They are who I work for, who I strive to be better for. With Brian, I simply strive to find myself. I aim for the most authentic me, seeing myself often through the lens that he sees me through. Not because I want or need to be more for hum but because he tends to see the best in me.

I think, ultimately that is better for my family as well. I wouldnt have ever thought it was that important. The self was what I taught others to focus on. I focused on them, or anything to get me out of my current space.

The Moral of the Story

What I took away from it so far is that the pursuit of happiness is more important than I had imagined previously.

Doing what you love, is ultimately a vital and valiant endeavor, for those that love their job are able to do something that they find fullfilling. I have found that to be a difficult endeavor without living an authentic life that you don't have a disdain for in the first place though. I guess it is true, what they say, "You can not truly love anything until you learn to love yourself."

I know the popular opinion means that sometimes you need to go it alone, but sometimes you may need help in doing this. Alittle help can go a long way.