[LOH Contest #95] I Get Mad because It Hurts

I admit, I am a hot tempered person. I get mad over little things. Those are enough to make me feel angry. And anyone can experience that even my Auntie or Mother who's with me in the house. I know it's bad but I can't help it. That is why sometimes Mother will just say to me I should smile because I always look grumpy and a frown in my face is always there. I mean, this is me and when I'm mad I will really make them feel and see it. Anyways, in the past few days there is one person who's making feel "angry" because of her words toward me. This is a long story but I will try to make it short. And this will be my entry on the 95th Edition Contest from @ladiesofhive. And for the topic I will choose this ⤵️

We all have a different boiling point, some of us are easily angered, others are really cool tempered. Kindly share one thing that makes you angry, how long do you stay mad, and what or who can pacify you.

Source

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I started my cryptoblogging journey year 2020. My main goal that time is to buy a laptop but then I learned about cryptos and so I set aside that plan and thought why not just save first and make it grow. With the volatility of cryptos, while hodling my Coins I can make it grow. I am one of the happiest whenever my coins is pumping. Pumping means I can use some of my hodlings and I can sell some portion of it to use for allowance etc. While my hodlings are continuously growing I saw that as an opportunity to withdraw money every month, 2 times a month for my allowance. Not just mine because my Mama is included.

It's a good timing because it's still pandemic. So whenever my Mama will asked for some cash or even when she said that "I don't have money now," I will not say anything but I am already making an action by selling some of my coins and convert it to our local fiat. She will just be surprised when I handed some cash to her. She's happy, and that makes me happy too. Even when the market crashed and my portfolio was affected I am still doing that. Not until I decided to stop spending too much of my hodlings. I don't want to wake up one day that my savings is already dried up. So basically our Monthly allowance is affected too.

I don't want to do that seriously, but being wise on holding my little savings is my priority now. My two other Mommy is supporting me on doing this actually. While they don't know that I am actually spending money for my biological Mom. It's not a requirement but I did that in my own will. I have a big dream and that is to spoil my 3 mother. I am doing that already to my Mama but that is put to a halt because of the situation of the crypto market, the sudden crash is really heartbreaking. And this is where the problems occurs. I really think we spoiled our Mama too much that when she asked for money and we can't give it to her she will call us "Selfish."

And yep, I am not the only one who's giving her the money but also my two other sibs. When she asked and I have cash, sure why not I will give it to her. When she runs out of money again and she asked for it to my siblings, it will take a little time but - sure again. They will send it to her. She has her pension so if we will compute it all she really received a lot. But I feel like her pocket has a big hole in it that it run out immediately, as in. But we're just indulging her. Until last month. She asked for some money but I can't that time. So I told that to her. You know the word that I get from her instead of understanding? This - "Why you are so Selfish! All of you."

I get her, she has no money and maybe frustrated too for she can't do anything because she's out of cash again. But hearing it over and over whenever we can't give her money, that is what's making my blood boil in anger. I am so mad that I want to say some of my thought. But off course I can't do that because I respect her. In the past few weeks she is really the one who's making me angry. How many times that it already happened. But I am just stopping myself from reacting. And what I did whenever I will hear that line to her "Why you are so Selfish!" Just to stop myself from answering I will say whatever I want to say to her but I am doing that just on my mind. I can't really say it to her face even if I want to.

I am just holding all of my thought and I don't really want to get mad at her. So to calm myself, I will just grab my headset and listen to music to erase this emotions that is slowly growing in my heart. Because if I didn't stop it, there's a chance that I will really hate her more. And I don't want that to happen. If music is not effective then foods. I will feed myself to calm. Holding it all in my head is really giving me a headache. But after that and after releasing all of it tru saying what I want to say to her deep inside my thought while listening to a good music, I will be okay again. I don't want make it a big deal. For now, as a punishment to my Mama, when she asked for cash I am not giving it to her immediately.

I want her to realize that it not like we are being selfish. It is just we don't have money to give to her again. It's not like we are just pooping some money. We are earning it too, we are working our ass to get it. Why she can't realize that. And how about those money that we gave to her before. Is that not counted anymore that is why she's calling us like that. I am sad and hurt being called "Selfish" just because of it. Anger and pain, the two emotions that I really hate. Why do I have to receive such words to her. I feel like the good deeds that we did before was already forgotten that is why it is nothing to her now. Coz she will still call us like that just because I didn't gave what she asked. Come on! It is just so unfair! Ó╭╮Ò

OMG why I feel like this one becomes a rant. Sorry guysuuu, it's just that I am keeping it all here in my heart. And I can't say it in front of her so I just said it all here. She's the one who's making me feel this emotions since then until today. But that doesn't mean that this anger I felt is for good now, off course NO. I can't stay mad at her you know. I just can't. She's making me feels this but she's still my mother. So if she can't understand me, then I am the one who will do that for her. We're good, we're both talking just the other day we went to the Market together. It's sucks coz I can't stay mad at her. Or my heart doesn't want to be mad at her, yeah that's it (╥﹏╥)