APOCO-MART Comedy Open Mic

Well Done been tagged a few times, so feel free to blame Hive account@dandays and Hive account@insaneworks. I aint very funny but I will have a try for the COM.

Welcome to-

APOCO-MART

( Cue the gravelly intro voice and suspenseful music )

Prepare yourself for a world of wonder-
A journey of undeniable idiocy-
To A Place of unquestionable power-
Fulfill your darkest desires-

( Music changes to upbeat dance track )

At Apoco-Mart Your one stop shop for everything you need to prepare for the end of the world!

Today we will be holding a brief interview with a few of our proprietors in the hopes of shedding light on their innovative products and solutions.

Without further ado here's our host, Hive account@rubido !

( Cue the standard applause track )

Hello there ladies and gentlemen let me first off say thanks for tuning in to our program today. If any of our products today tickle your fancy you can use our one time discount code for 1% off at any of the qualifying shops.

That's right people, One Whole Percent!

( Cue standing Ovation with excited yipping )

Now lets head over and take a look at our first shop.

Jimbobs Braintecters!

Hello there Jimbob can you tell us a bit about your products?

Well Sure there Rubidooski, I done got this idea when I noticed those there zombies eatin on some brains. Now I dont know 'bout you but my wife says my brains in my pants!

Fascinating... Go on

Well so there I done Had this Idea, We got helmets for your uptop brain but not the little man below!

Okay.. seriously? You gotta be shitting me Right?

No Siree Bob! I created this here modified jockstrap with metal plates. So that way even if them critters get you they gotta eat your uptop brain first! Clever right?

So you're saying that our biggest problem... Is that we have Dick hungry Zombies Going around? Wow... Just... Wow

I know I done cornered the market with my patented Braintecter! In large you can even wear it on your Big head!

Thanks Jimbob. My life is forever changed. Okay I'm onto the next shop so have a great day.

( Cue The upbeat dance track )

Next up Ladies and gents we have the first shop on the list run by a Real Life Zombie!

BRAAAAAAAINS™

Hello there Madam could you tell me a bit about your shop?

Braaains! (Lunges towards our dashing host)

Well now now, no need to be aggressive. What kind of Items do you stock?

Braaaaaaaaaiiiins! (Lunges again)

Oh for fucks sake...

(shoots the Zombie in the head and flips the shop sign to closed)

On to the next shop... Seriously is this the best the end of the world has to offer?

Ok The show must go on lets check out the next shop on the list, Here we are at-

Angelicas Homebrew

and Homemade Liquor.

Now this one looks promising lets go inside!

Hi there you must be Angelica

Yeah.

The strong silent type I see.

Yup.

Wow, ok lets get straight to business. I see you got Whiskey, Vodka, Wine, Beer, Even some exotic stuff like Absinthe on the shelves. Care to share how you craft all these and what the difference is?

I make em with taters in my tub and change the color.

Oh so they're all the same thing?

Yup, But I add some puddle water to the beer.

Sounds like a secret recipe, Do you have a Favorite Angelica?

Nope This shit will make you go blind.

( puts head in hands )

Thanks Angelica for your time. I think I'll be heading up the way and interview our next entrepreneur.

(Walks dejectedly down the badly lit hallway)

Here we are, at the next shop.

(looks up and sighs)

Garth's Gooey Vegetables & Grosseries

Here we are everyone at what appears to be a fine establishment selling fresh produce. Lets go inside and see what's up!

Hi there sir, You must be the owner of this fine establishment, Garth!

I sure am, I got the finest goods from all over town.

I see you have everything a person could need in here, Tinned goods, Fresh, erm.. Identifiable Vegetables, and is that Toilet paper!

Yesiree that happens to be one of our most in demand products, They are partially used rolls from before the end o days.

(walks with Garth towards the rolls)

Now Garth I'm curious as to why you left some of the used sections on the rolls?

Well Rubido It all started a few weeks ago when I thought it might keep flies off the Vegetables.

So does it keep the flies off the Vegetables?

Nah Got more of them than ever now, but its what's in the tinned food. Got Fly SPAM, Spaghetti & Flyballs. Its like Ranchin without the effort.

So you catch and tin the flies?

Yup I even add in all the vegetables that aint good enough to sell.

( Looks towards the fly covered barely identifiable vegetables )

You mean those are the good ones?

Yup best in town.

Thank you for your time Garth... I believe I'm gonna skip straight to the next shop.

(Walks away muttering and kicks a mutated Rat across the floor)

So here we have...

(Tries to care enough to look up)

Well we appear to have a pharmacy here so lets stop in. Our next stop is...

Doktor Bobs Diskount Surg'ry

Lets go in and see... A load of dead bodies...

CUT

Seriously guys there's not anyone here. I've had better luck picking up women at the morgue.

This is just fucking stupid. Even the Damn doctor is dead on the desk..

Lets just move on.

( cue sorrowful puppy got run over by a F150, wife left you for a rodeo clown music and a long slow walk )

The last stop today my friends is-

AU Revoirs Assisted suicide!

Here I'm afraid our infomercial ends, I hope you take advantage of our generous discount and, nah fuck ya.

I quit.

Peace out.

(Rubido has entered the building, never to be seen again.)

The Cameraman shrugs and walks into the bar, It hurt.

Well that's all folks, thanks for joinin me at the end of days. May your cupboards be full of rotten vegetables and plenty of flies.

All pictures are GIMP (Release the Gimp!) edited mixes of my own photos and a few edited clip art thingymajigs from A Place it subscription I have