Life can be complex, beautiful and equal parts shit sandwich. This is my first and last post for a while, definitely my last one that's this morbid.

Its been a while since my last one anyway.

From now on I'm moving to my normal levels of Sanity. Positive, Happy and Laughing, full of shit and talkin out my ass. Because I cant support these feelings for long.

For now lets Rewind, I'm going to leave the first part unedited, untouched exactly as I felt and typed it on the 4th.

Ad Memorium.

Well I started today, with a post I was working on about a day trip out, now I appear to be writing an obituary for someone who as it stands is still with us. Today is March the 4th 2021, Its sunny and the day has mostly been relaxed.

My wife had to go see her moms doctor today, she's been in hospital for 4 days. It's no great surprise, she has been fighting metastatic breast cancer for nearly 7 years, still smokes 40 a day. Champion.

The cancer has spread over the years and its hit her skull, her liver, you name it. It has moved like you wouldn't believe. Fuckin Cancer, It can shove it straight up its stupid ass.

Yeah I sound like a 10 year old talking about some silly fuckbook injustice, you'll have to deal with it.

Now for the backstory me and my mother in law had a complicated relationship. We never really saw eye to eye and we had our ups and downs. We argued and we fought about everyday things, both of us are stubborn basically.

From day 1 we had a great/shit relationship. When we got along best of friends, when we didn't? Well there's no pit in hell deep enough. I think we could have started World War 3 if we had any power or nukes.

So for the last 18 years as it stands we have had an interesting relationship. We've had knock down drag out arguments, We've gotten drunk alone at 2 AM because we were both bored. Neither of us sleep so we would have coffee at stupid o'clock in the morning.

When she got diagnosed with breast cancer all those years ago, It was me she talked to, made sure her daughter would be looked after. Told me where to find the Will and testament etc.

When we argued? Well its me who needed castrated, strung drawn and quartered, no punishment big enough, great or grand. See what I mean, REAL love and hate.

This woman has survived up until now, as it stands, insurmountable odds, and while I cant say everything now,Soon I will.

Present Day

The days have flown past, trying to prepare a room for her to be hospitalized at home, (yeah I pulled 35 hour days and I'm proud of it) Trying to get things in order. Shit doesn't seem to work out how we plan.

Its now the 27th, Its been hell in one way or another for a while now. She was re hospitalized on the 16th when she had a trip home. I promised I would get her home. Its where she wanted to die. Where she wanted to spend her last weeks,days,hours.

Tuesday the 23rd she finally lost the fight. The cancer had robbed her of her mobility, her voice and her body. It NEVER robbed her of her strength.

She kept her mind, She kept her sense of self. She kept her pride. Cancer did its best to rob her of those but she never let it.

My wife sat by her side until the end, and when she told her mum it was ok, that we would be fine. She told her She didn't need to fight any longer...

So She stepped outside for a coffee and a smoke. By the time she returned to the room she was gone.

5 minutes, a week ago we thought we had months yet.

Me and her, well I guess...

We found common ground in the end. The Most important people in our lives were identical. My Wife - Her Daughter, My son - her SamSam. We made peace.

Here, well things go fast.
The body is handled quickly and efficiently here in France, They do burials and cremations within the week normally.

Before and after her vacation to the backless gown land. I made lots of promises.

I promised her that when she went into hospital that last Time...

I promised I would protect and look after her daughter, I promised I would look after the boy. I promised I would make our new home our own. Not a shrine to her memory.

I promised her I would turn her legacy into millions.

But Before these long lasting promises...I had promised I would bring her home to spend her last days.

I still haven't kept that promise.

I have been blessed with good friends helping us with the arrangements and preparations but that unkept promise irritates me to no end. Today I will give her eulogy and speak for her. She's going into the big oven.

Then In a few days I will keep my promise to her. I will bring her Home. I think then is when its going to hit. No more shouting matches, no more stupid repairs and phone calls at 3 am to help her with her internet.

Strangely enough, I am going to miss those the most, I still wake up in the middle of the night when the cats at the door expecting it to be her. 'Rick The Internet isn't working and I was watching Netflix!'

This is in your memory, Monica wherever you are I still love you and the hate has gone. Time will not gloss over the realities and memories but neither will they fade.

There will be no more stupid drinking sessions until I carry you up the stairs or 4am coffee times, There will be no more comparing finds and buys at the local antiques fairs and jumble sales, and worst of all there will be no more shouting at me when I push things that little bit too far.

To be Remembered, To be cherished but never to be pitied. Friend, Sister, Mother, Nanny... Monica you taught me so much, you raised a wonderful daughter and were a fantastic grandmother. You have been simply put, a Legend.

I'm going to carry us forward, as a family. I will not let you down. Rest well, be free, and may we meet again.