I originally wrote most of this in response to a challenge to share a life lesson I would teach others. This is one of my life lessons I have shared with many people in different forums. It is not my intention to teach others life lessons. I share them, that’s all. No expectation.
There are so many moments(some of them taking years to fully understand) that have changed my life. i.e Desiderata.
https://steemit.com/life/@roundhere/go-placidly-amid-the-noise-and-haste
The one I will share here is the night I did not commit suicide.
I had been an optimistic, happy person my whole life. Life always worked out. I noticed beautiful sunrises, the aspen glow on snow covered mountains, watching my children.I had meaningful work. Respect from my community. Respect for myself. Yet somehow that wasn’t enough.
After years of a slowly growing drug addiction everything that I had valued was lost. Family, money, reputation, self respect and conscious contact with God. I had reached a point described as "incomprehensible demoralization".
It's a place you can't really describe. After 30 yrs I can still feel what it was like.
What makes your stomach upset?
...makes you break out in a cold sweat?
...causes fear? Helpless fear
....hopeless paralyzation?
Everything left was a mess. Everything broken. Personally responsible, yet powerless to fix it.
No hope.
Incomprehensibly demoralized is where I found myself.......Baffled, ashamed, responsible.
How could I have allowed myself to become this person?
I knew there was no way I could fix the mess I had made. A solution came to me.
...A rifle
...an end.
Give up, admit defeat and turn away. End it all.
At that moment suicide presented itself as a legitimate possibility. As clear as the decision to get a drink of water, or use the bathroom.
I felt another option at almost the same instant.
God.
God was in the room with me. Had been the whole time. I realized he had been right there my whole life. Witnessing, perhaps experiencing with me, everything I had done, good and bad, that brought me to this place.
I kneeled at the couch and prayed. He accepted me. Just as I was at that moment. The worst I had, and he accepted me. The grace that was offered had nothing to do with my behavior. Good or bad. It was bigger than my efforts and failures.
Acceptance and humility is what I gained that night. For myself and others.I won't be perfect. I don't have to be. I can’t be. I feel the same regarding other people.
I judge my actions. My choices are good or bad. I can judge other people’s actions, and yet every person has an inherent value that is priceless. Worth so much more than our actions. Bad or good.So good things I do now, I do out of love and acceptance.
Similar love and acceptance God gave me at my worst.