I Had to Grieve the Life I Thought I Would Have Before I Could Want the One I Actually Do
At some point in my thirties i had to sit honestly with the gap between the life i had imagined for myself by now and the life i was actually living.
Not because the life i was living was bad. In many genuine ways it was good. But it was different from the picture i had been carrying. Certain things i had expected to have by a specific age had not arrived. Certain paths i had imagined had gone differently or closed entirely. The version of myself at thirty five that i had sketched in my head when i was twenty did not match the person sitting in the actual chair.
I had been pretending that did not matter. Telling myself i was fine with it, that expectations were just expectations, that real life is more interesting than plans. All of that was true and also not the whole truth.
The whole truth was that some of what i expected had genuinely mattered to me and not having it deserved more than a shrug and a pivot. It deserved some honest acknowledgement that something had not happened the way i hoped. That was a real thing to sit with even if nobody around me was treating it as one.
Grief is not only for death. You can grieve a future that did not come. A version of your life that you genuinely wanted and that did not materialise for whatever combination of circumstance and choice and bad timing produced the reality instead.
Grieving it honestly, giving it the acknowledgement it deserved rather than pretending i was fine with a loss i had not fully named, was the thing that actually let me stop carrying it. And putting it down finally made room for something more honest. Wanting what i actually have and could actually build, rather than measuring everything against a picture that was never coming.
Grieve the version that did not come. Then let it go. The real version needs your attention now.
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