The worst time of my life was being a teenager. I wouldn't wish this hormonally funky time on my worst enemy. I honestly don't know what the creator was doing on the day she invented hormones.

Goddess Assistant: 'What was that, Goddess? Hormones?'
Goddess: 'Yes. They sound fun! But only if you make them go a little roller-coastery during, say - 13 and 20, and for woman - let's make it a bit cray cray during - hm, full moons? No, once a month, yeah, that'll keep them on their toes!'
Goddess Assistant: Are you surrreee? That's going to make their life super difficult?
Goddess: Life's meant to be hard. How the hell are you meant to learn anything if it's easy?
Goddess Assistant: So, just - shall we call it puberty and menstruation - just those times?
Goddess: Oh man, I'm feeling really wild here. Let's throw in pregnancy hormones! And - wait for it - just when they're feeling a bit sure of themselves - let's throw in an mid life puberty. Menopause! Woo hoo!
Goddess Assistant: Are you fucking kidding me?
Goddess: Say what?
Goddess Assistant: Nothing. Sure. Your wish is my command.

Not. Happy. Jan.

Not happy Jan was a memorable television advertisement in Australia. It featured an angry boss yelling at her assistant who forgot to put their company ad in the Yellow Pages (the business phone book that predated Google). The catchphrase became about discontent of any kind.

So, puberty and pregnancy came and went for the first woman on earth - pretty rough, a lot of tears, pimples, vomiting and so on, and a lot of swearing at the Goddess. Then things went quite for a time before they hit menopause. No one else wanted to know about it, because it meant they'd be getting old, so no one talked about it unless they were using it to put down an older woman. Menopausal became a bit of a swear word, truth be told.

Goddess: I didn't mean it to be like this. I thought I'd throw in the holy trinity for woman, you know? Like big transition times to mark their life cycle? It should be celebrated, y'all!
Goddess Assisant: I told you it'd go wrong.
Goddess: What?
Goddess Assistant: Nothing, sorry, all's good, great plan!

Woman only thought about menopause when they started feeling anxious, insecure, stressed, and sweaty in bed (not in a good way), and a little bit mental - usually in their early 40's. It was then they started googling: 'what the fuck is wrong with me?' and realised that they'd been done over by the Goddess just when they thought the hormones were all settled and they could enjoy their older years in peace.

Hormone replacement, herbs, yoga, meditation and all kinds of 'cures' can help, of course, but no one really knows for sure because every body is different (thanks Goddess) and no one invests in woman's health because - wait for it - they're not men.

How do I deal with it? I'd love to say I'd found the answer, but I'm not a twat. There's nothing that makes me madder than the woman on the online chats:

• Oh, I breeeeezed through menopause, it's really not that bad!
• I find chaste tree works fantastically, I feel sooo much better!
• No way did I go on HRT - it's so easy to just do yoga and feel better!

Because again, there's no one way to improve your physical and mental health, and you shouldn't make a sister feel bad by suggesting they've failed because the remedy that worked so well for YOU didn't work at all for them. That's a sure way to make a sister feel worse.

The truth is that some woman, like me, don't breeze through menopause. It's not their fault. From years of thinking about it, I think mine's about my adrenal glands - I just don't think they function well. If my adrenals don't function well, no amount of meditation will help. I need to take herbs and eat food that supports my adrenal health, and then I can improve my mental health. I can't drink anything anymore - not half a glass of wine, not a cold beer in the summer.

One symptom of menopause is sleepless nights If I don't get a good night's sleep, I get miserable. Goodbye mental health. Thus, good sleep hygeine involves melatonin, kava, yoga nidra, box breathing, and magnesium with passionflower. Seriously. It's a ritual.

This has been a long journey for me. I think I'm getting to the end of it - or it could go on for a few more hellish years. I don't think work helps, but I don't have a choice. Working with a naturopath has helped me understand what works for me. I do try to embrace this stage of life, and be kind to myself - but that's not always easy. I don't think anyone suggesting cures or fixes is telling the whole truth of how hard it can be.

I'm not a fan, Goddess, has to be said.

Not. Happy. Jan.

With Love,

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