It was totally scorching for the past few days. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I really get sluggish on days when the heat is up. I wanted to sleep all day long if it’s hot, but the opposite happens when it’s raining. I wanted to move and move because I totally can’t sleep if it’s not warm. But the heat here is above warm; it’s basically like a trial period if I ever don’t get to heaven. The humidity plus the high temperature somehow messed up my brain cells lately because during the day, especially at noon, I get really sleepy. I badly wanted to do many things with such lovely weather. The sun’s out, and there’s so much heat that I can make use of, yet unfortunately, I was on my bed either sleeping or just lazing away.
I felt terrible.
Yeah, it definitely felt like it. I mean, I should be out there, productive and lively, but here I am wasting my time. My sister somehow opposed to that mentality of mine because she pointed out that me lazing away and just taking the day slow is definitely valid because I'm on vacation. She said I should just relax and space out as much as I want because vacation days doesn’t last forever. Soon our class will start again, and I will be back to my busy days. That kinda made sense, but I’m really not that kind of person. I feel really guilty if I slack off even during vacation because I want my time to be spent in a way that could help me become a better version of myself.
You sound so pretentious.
She said that because she knows me, and I really am. I always spoke of changing for the better, but I always find myself back to square one whenever there’s any inconvenience. It's a cycle…an endless one. I always wanted to be better, yet it’s hard because of a lot of things that hinder me from doing so. Anyway, that doesn’t stop me from trying again and again because for me, it’s better to fail than to regret. Not that I don’t have any regrets in life; it’s just that I learned that the less I regret, the more I can live in the present. I have regrets in the past that somehow gnaw at me at some point, but the more I let it fester, the more it affected me. That’s where I realized I should try anything that poses improvement in my life rather than feel regret later on. Well, not really anything because I have exceptions, and one of them is...
I won’t lead anymore.
I tried that before, and even though there’s a lot of good feedback on how I handle the responsibilities given to me, it consequently took a toll not only on my health but as well on how I have spent my pre-college days. I can’t say it’s always fulfilling because there are some days that I felt really alienated…like everyone was out there having fun while I’m in the background making sure they’re all having fun. I wasn’t really that miserable during those days, but looking back on those times, I pity myself. I mean, how was I able to do that? Was I too good at gaslighting myself into thinking I’m a better person when I do those? Gosh…I already forgot how it felt.
Thankfully, I learned my lesson, and even though I’m still the person you can trust with responsibilities, I’m now in a different situation. I can’t stress myself too much because of my condition. It’s quite tricky not to feel overwhelmingly burdened with stressors I’m encountering lately, but the thing is I just always put in my mind that if I let them get me, then I just wasted what I’ve been persevering for the past years. I definitely will hate and regret to waste those, so as much as I can, I’ll avoid anything that’ll tipped off the responsibility and life balance I made.
Ok, I totally veered off from what I’m supposed to share. It’s supposed to be like a rant about how lazy I’ve become during these hot days and how I hate that it’s affecting my plans. But anyway, life goes on, and there’s still days left in our vacation period, so there’s still a chance. I’ll now start making a checklist and see how many boxes I can tick off. I do hope I can find a way to adapt to the heat without slowing down my schedule.
Wish me luck :)
All of the pictures used are mine.
